It's Happened Again

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi there Maryanne,

Been thinking about your post. And you too, often BTW. You have such a great energy!

Are you speaking about building up a hardened shell around your heart? Like when you've been so deeply wounded and disappointed that you feel you need to protect yourself from further hurt?

Yes, you're right. What that does in the long run is keep you from participating in the Oneness we all share. With one another, and with All That Is. We are closed to receiving Universal Love or seeing our blessings and the beauty around us. We seal ourselves off, walling ourselves in, isolating ourselves. So no wonder, we then feel alone.

Midst my 2nd round of shock and awe chemo, after my recurrence, I would virtually languish in bed, in pain from head to toe, nauseous and out of it, but in the evenings I would push myself to get up, shower and dress and go out to dinner with my DH Paul, and often with my favorite friends. It was enormously therapeutic! And good for Paul who was even more scared I was going to die than I was, if that were possible.

Mostly, I had a smile on my face. When asked how I was I would answer 2 ways. Today wasn't a good day, but tomorrow will be better. Or I'd simply say, Good. I'm alive. And thrilled to be here.

But surely, I had my moments. The dark, fear-riddled ones and the little pity parties I would feel swept away by. I recall sitting in a local restaurant and for some reason I turned and glanced back into the long room. It was filled with well dressed people chattering and laughing away. I thought -- They have no idea what it is like to be where I am. They are like Innocents, speaking of inanities, the latest trip, most recent jewelry purchase, problems with their pools, their manicurist and such.

And there I was, feeling like I had the worst flu I had ever experienced in my entire life, fighting not to pass out, clammy and swept with chills, and you know what I mean. Who but all my Sisters and Bros on this board know better, after all?

But I would consciously bring myself back to Life and the love I felt at my table (with people I treasured, talking about things of matter and wanting my input). I reminded myself of my blessings and embraced them with a new passion that came with the threat of losing it all.

I stopped the noise and voice in my head and I went within to make contact with my Essence.

Another time I will tell you about my weird experience with electrical jolts. In response to you, Harriecanariebird, referring to me as being in need of a surge protector. We are all energy, you know. And when we are *connected* to our vibrant Spirit we are really charged up!!

Sending happy, healthy energy to y'all, with love,

Andi