Days up...then days down

[Ruth]

My father passed away suddenly while watching T.V. a few weeks ago and I feel like I am losing it. They suspected a massive heart attack with no prediagnosis, no indication of anything wrong with him. He was only 71 and the best father, Opa and friend I could have ever had. We were so close and I was with him every day and thankfully always told him how much I loved him. My parents built their dream house right next door to me and had only been living in it a little over a year. My ex husband moved out within a month of them moving in assuming that my dad would take over the role of father to a 11, 9 and 3 year old (which he lovingly did).

I just turned 40 and truly hoped that my life would take a upswing since so many bad things have happened in my life since my 36th birthday. I find myself having really good days and then I feel like it is all too much for me. I now have to watch over my devastated mom, 3 devastated kids and trying my best to remain "stress free" and keep my cancer sleeping. I have met the most beautiful supportive man in the world and deeply in love with him BUT the adjustment of that is also stressful on the kids and my life (my oldest wants ex-jerk back of course instead of anyone else so there is conflict between the two). Also now dealing with two mean jealous ex's and running a very large business by myself. I never want to have a pity party and try my darnest to not have one but since my daddy died I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I thought about medication but I really can't take any...I must get boys to soccer; be two parents in one since Ex moved over 2 hours away; take care of my Mom; big house with busy, busy 4 year old and concentrate at work. Too many people depend on me to not fall apart. Even my 3 cats and dog need me!
Well, maybe now I feel a little better since I got to vent. I think I am just so sad and I don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone gives me pressure not to be sad...hence worried being sad means stress and cancer returning. I'm in a no win situation with everyone that is close to me because they all want me to be happy all the time. How do you all deal with things like this? I want to just curl up in bed and cry for one whole hour but don't even have the luxury of doing that since all my kids are so afraid. They worry I will leave them too and sometimes I can't even go to the bathroom by myself without one of them hanging around.
I don't really have a question so thank you for letting me get some of this out.
Peace ~ Ruth