just checkin' in

[Joy]

Hi everyone, I think about you guys all the time and pray and pray and pray for us all. I think I've started premature inscanity. I have them on the 26th. I just worry too much about when t/x will stop working and what will have to happen next. It is so dumb, but I really don't want to lose my hair again so I keep looking for non-hair loss options. Having been dating someone for only 3 months it concerns me. ANd my kids will be making huge transitions to new schools next year and I just get sad and afraid that I won't be there to help them through that. It is the thinking about the future thing that gets me all jacked up about even having a future with these girls. I did not have them to leave them (I know you all are there with that too). oh man, now I'm crying.

My blood work has been perfect and I have another draw today as it has been 3 weeks. And I'm so grateful for that. I've had this crazy right side pain that has freaked me out for several weeks. The doc and the NP are not worried and I'm pretty sure it is muscle related.

How come when things are going so well I worry the most. I just don't want to give up good things. I left my daughter at her new school for next year this morning to shadow the class she will move into and she had big crocodile tears when I left and then I lost it in the kitchen there all over this woman I know. I felt like an idiot. I can't stand the thought of her facing things without me.

I, like everyone here, just want to show this disease up. I don't want it to take me so early. I just can't help but worry about when the options run out or when my body just says, "Enough!" I mean really how much toxicity can our bodies take? I'm paralyzed by this in that I can't even think of the future in a planning kind of way.

I guess it is just an emotional day and I'm so glad you all are here and i know people are facing bigger challenges than I right now and I don't mean to diminish that or be disrespectful to anyone. It is just where my head is these days.

Thanks for listening. When I sat down to write this I really didn't think that it was going in this direction-sorry, but it must have been needed. I love all of you.