Relationship challenges

[IrvineFriend]

Ladies,

How in the world are you there for your significant other when you're barely hanging on yourself? I've been snippy, stressed, feel ugly, exhausted, etc. and really get frustrated over everything. As a result, my boyfriend and I called it quits. I have no sympathy for a nightly erection when I feel too tired to even shower post chemo weekend. I feel selfish not wanting to deal with another human being's needs and feelings when I feel so crappy (and I think he's insensitive to my perceived bigger issues). I guess it takes a special person to hang in there with us. Personally, I think it's easier to be alone but then again, he's not the person I thought he was.

[BonnieR]

"He's not the person I thought he was". There it is in a nutshell Nothing like cancer to test a person's mettle Partnerships are seldom 50/50. Sometimes one of the people needs to give alot more. Sounds like he could not step up when needed for whatever reason
Maybe you are better off without the added stress and pressure
Keep the faith

[Jean]

Dear Irvine,
Well one thing is for certain you will see the character of your significant other, lover, family, and friends after being dx. with breast cancer. While it is certainly not easy for the care givers, lovers, husbands, etc. to be on the other side of the disease, let's keep in mind you are the patient. You are the one having treatment. At the same time, I have always believed that when I was dx. my husband and family (and those who love me) were also dx. with breast cancer.

There maybe some who just can not understand the disease or the complex feelings of dread that a newly dx. woman feels during those early days. It takes time for us to wrap our brains around our own dx.

It is like anything else in life, when the going gets rough, the rough get going...well those who drop out from our lives when the going gets rough - one has to ask, "were they ever really there for us?" Seems simple, but consider this thought - how good was the relationship prior to the dx.? You may now be able to see the cracks and flaws that were always there.

Adversity will always show you the real heart of a person.
Be patient with yourself and know you are NOT ugly, nor are you selfish....you are a brave woman fighting breast cancer.

Sending you hugs,
Jean

[sarah]

Hello Friend,
Boy do I hate to read this. As a core part of a support group here in France, I've seen relationships that fell apart, some became stronger and some went through a lot of stress.
while he does not seem to have been the right person for you, I have learnt that it's really hard for caregivers particularly men. and children have a hard time also and aren't always the most understanding at times. While this site has had a number of unbelievably dedicated and caring men, my experience with members of our group has been mixed. The men are afraid, they are used to solving problems and many don't like the touchy feely weepy stuff. That's why it's important to have some girl friends to chat to particularly ones who've been through this battle.
My husband has been super supportive but the second time around, I became extremely moody. I couldn't tolerate problems, lost patience, changed a lot. Luckily a friend told me I was suffering from depression and should take anti-depressants. Me depressed!! I'm not a depressive person! but she was right and I went on them for a couple of years during treatment and it helped tremendously. saved my husband from going quietly insance I think!!! The chemo doc gave me a prescription for one that I could start and slowly go off anytime I wanted to - I didn't want to get hooked on anything. ~So that's something you might want to talk to a doctor about.
Besides that I would say start trying to believe you're going to get your life back, maybe in a better way because you'll appreciate it so much more. and trust that you're going to live and start enjoying things again. Be patient with yourself and with others. ~Everyone's confused. My husband used to say he didn't know what to say to me because it always seemed to be the wrong thing! and he just wanted to help and make me feel better.
Be social. meet with friends. you'll feel better, believe me you will.
hugs and love
sarah

[linn65]

Hi There,

I understand "All" the above and it is so difficult! Every emotion is magnified x'10 it seems on the BC road. I never took the Cliche so literally as I do now going through the treatment, "A Day At A time" and sometimes it is an "Hour At A Time".

I do quite a bit of "Self Talk" and if I have a bad day (which usually means crying) then the next I get up and say.....Okay, it is a new day, Jesus help me, hold my head up, breathe and push forward.

No one truly understands all the aspects of Breast Cancer accept us the ones going through it but everyone surrounding us do the best they know how to help. It is such a long process, and I know I can feel guilt for the people around me. It takes such a hold on your life and you want others to live their life and alone or with someone it just SUCKS!!

I have been thinking of you, and I believe this was your 3rd treatment right?? You are not selfish you are a funny, intelligent, funny and pretty darn awesome!! I am happy I have someone to battle this with me like you and we can push one another when we do not feel like pushing ourselves!

P.S. I am not "Happy" we have to battle this together but since we didn't choose it we can hang together!!

[chekmark]

I went thru all those emotions too. I was edgy, angry u name it I was that person. My husband was there for all the pep talks, support, every treatment but I was still angry. I finally realized how much it changed both of us not just me. I was ready to throw in the towel but he wasn't. I didn't think he should stay with me since I was bald and deformed but he didn't care, it was me that was judging me. Our lives changed tremendously but now we are doing better than ever. I stopped communicating since all I talked about was cancer. We needed to communicate, once we started doing that again I realized what was going wrong. He was so patient and caring and at first it was great but then I went thru my angry phase and shut him out. Thank god that is over. He is the man I thought he was and better and I am lucky. I know of several who left during the course of things and for different reasons, it's just a life changing experience for everyone. Don't give up on love, it's out there, a real man. The old cliche stands true, there are more fish in the sea, heck there are whales out there. Go catch yourself a whale of a good guy.

[NEDenise]

Julie,
I'm sorry for the pain this break-up must be causing you...but I gotta say...the daily erection comment had me rolling on the floor! It's good to hear a lady tell it like it is! Clearly, your priorities are in order, my friend. You have sooooo much more in your life that needs your undivided attention.

In fairness...I understand that your boyfriend and "his little friend" have different priorities...but you were wise to assert your needs! I hope there are LOTS of people for you to lean on (including ME, and your friends here!) so you can get your physical strength back to the level of your emotional strength. You are clearly one ROCK SOLID GAL!!

I hope there's at least one teenager watching your example and learning what it means to be a strong, self-confident woman in this world! And...in the meantime...dogs love to snuggle in bed...no nightly "expectations" Just something to consider.

Hope each day gets easier...
Denise

PS - in the spirit of full disclosure...I have to admit that my own, dear husband has been absolutely flawless in his delivery of everything I could ever want or need in a partner through this mess...but we were also together, and best, best friends for 30 years before BC rocked our world. Not bragging...I've devoted a lot of energy to his 'training' LOL...just giving credit where it's due. The man is a gem!

[roz123]

my husband has been super supportive but sometimes I joke with friends (dark humor) that if we weren't married with 2 kids he would have fleed a long time ago. What I mean is that I think there are days he just wants to run from this too but not because he doesn't love me but because he just wants to have a normal life again without worry and stress. It is so tough - it does test even the best relationships.
you are in the worst part of it (active treatment) it does get better -if he wasn't willing to stick around then you are probably right that he is not who you thought he was

[Becky]

And everyone reacts differently in your life but you do realize it is all out of fear. And the fear taints everyone differently. I will say, my husband was a gem and he has some inherent selfish tendencies. My one daughter who was so helpful prior to bc did nothing to help out (I think this was her psychologic reaction that if "I could do it, I must not be sick). My youngest who is "the youngest" and usually doesn't do anything started cleaning and doing the dishes. Later, my middle one who usually helped said, "I developed a throw away camera I found in my dresser. It was when you had cancer. (This camera was developed 3-4 years after chemo etc). She said, "you know, I looked at those pictures and I didn't realize how sick you really were. You were gray. At the time, you didn't look sick at all to me". So, everyone has their own coping mechanisms and you can't get rid of your kids - ever but I would have gotten rid of that teenage girl at the time if it was legal. She was horrible to me but I think they just don't want to see someone they love so much and who is so important die. If she could have left, she would have because it pained her probably more than anyone so they make up excuses to turn away. But a more mature person pushes that aside, after all, everything does work out. And a 15 year old has the immaturity card to play that an adult does not.

We are mature here though. More than we want to be and will always be here for you.

[Jackie07]

In a few months, hubby and I will be celebrating our 25th Anniversary. We've been through numerous job losses, numerous illnesses (he's had two stents put in his heart arteries since 8 years ago!) All my friends thought I should have dumped him since he hasn't been making any money for more than 10 years [and I've been home-bound for five years now]. We've been cashing out our 'retirement'/IRA's...) My 2nd Sister has been urging me to go home (overseas) and be cared for by my side of family since she had been very disappointed with my husband and his side of the family while she was helping me out (for 2 months) 6 years ago during my recurrence (when my late Mother-in-law's condition was deterioting in the nursing home.)

But my Oldest Brother has taken a totally different view. He'd also had come overseas to help me out (23 years ago during my first brain tumor surgery/rehab.) He thought hubby was a good person with a good family (My late Mother-in-law had done a lot of cooking for us and Father-in-law parked his RV at the hospital parking lot so hubby and Oldest Brother could eat and rest during the day.)

Back when we were dating hubby had mentioned his bout of eating disorder before dropping out of college. Turned out he is predisposed to depression (starting with his Father's Mother) and he's been taking pills for over five years now (walking 30 minutes everyday - as was prescribed by his cardiologist - also has helped) I was supporting him finishing his college course when my life-long brain tumor was discovered.

Nobody is perfect. Dealing with a loved-one's serious illness is probably the toughest task anyone could face. We are fortunate to have had a lot of support from both sides of our families. And we are fortunate to have known each other long enough (1 year dating, 2 years marriage) before the first medical crisis hit. I'm especially grateful for the volunteer experience in the counseling center back when I was in college.

And a unshakable religious faith ... (that God will always give me the best of everything! His plan is better than mine ... I could not imagine any of the other guys whom I had dated to be standing by me ...)

Take it one day at a time. We do have several members who have discovered/encountered their true love/lover during their cancer journey. One of the members of my brain tumor support group had experienced a divorce (his second?)after his surgery. He's changed his worksite (company?) and has been enjoying the relationship with a beautiful young woman who lives in another country. They FB each other everyday and arrange trips together whenever they can.

Hang in there. Life is full of suprises ...

[IrvineFriend]

Thanks everyone for the support and encouraging words. My guy is a great person; he came into my life when I was diagnosed. We were friends/co-workers initially and when diagnosed, told me his true feelings and that he wanted to be with me to help through the ordeal and see where we would be in a year. I may be a different person then but he was willing to wait to find out. He's cooked, cleaned, drove me to appointments, washed my clothes, he even paints my toe nails. But because I'm a strong woman, his expectations of what I can do (work 15-hour days, serious hikes, and lots of activities) I feel like a failure because some weekends I want nothing more than to stay home in PJs and I'm not there as a lover when he's so giving.

But he recently lost his job, so I get to be the support for him now. So it's normalized our relationship more. Would never wish this on him, but now that we're not co-workers, we don't bring home work stress and now talk about other things - normal life.

So we're trying and I'd be a fool to chase him off again because I'm too tired and too proud to accept help or accept the changes in what I'm capable of doing/not doing right now.

I appreciate all your support and friendship. You guys always understand all this stuff!