Life seems to be about losing

[Sheila]

During my 5 years of this journey, I have lost many things...my breast and maybe some feeling of femininity, my job (which I loved)due to illness and treatments, my social life, unless you count going to the Dr and chemo center, my hair due to treatments, my body...yep all those chemo pounds....my best friend, and now I feel like I'm losing my husband to this disease...
I have always gone alone to treatments and Dr appointments, because they are far away, that way my husband didn't have to take time off work. Now with my new regimen, and all the premeds, he has to take off work 1 day a week to take me. He is using all his vacation time driving me. He never says he resents it, but its different, I know he's tired but he acts so indifferent to me, like this is such a bother. I wish so badly that I could drive myself, but I am too sleepy to drive the 80 miles home alone. I used to feel cherished, loved, respected, but lately I feel like I am just more of a burden. He reminds me that he misses the big income I made when working, the thinner long haired woman I once was, even the bigger life insurance policy I had when working....
I have to wonder is this his way of coping, or am I losing him to this disease too?

[ita]

Dearest Sheila,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can feel your pain through your words. I wish I could hug you. You are a rock to this community. You are there for so many. I think we all have a right to have our moments of sorrow. We do lose a lot but we have a place to share our fears and sorrows with those who are right there with us. That allows us to keep on trucking along. Our husbands, on the other hand, being the men that they are, have no one to share their thoughts with. They have to show the world that they can handle anything. Underneath it all, they are in pain too.
Have you tried to talk about your concerns with him? I know my would just blow me off. How would yours react? Maybe the reminders of what use to be are his way of trying to have something else in common with you other than driving to doctors offices and other medical appointments. You should try and see how far you get if you bring it up. I know that I usually make things bigger than they are and make myself sick with worry. This is not a time for you to be stressed.
Please know that you are loved, respected and cherished by many. I know it's not the same as seeing it from your husband, but for now maybe it's enough to put a smile on your face.

With much love and caring,
Ita

[mke]

ouch!!

I bet you miss those things too. Heavens knows I miss stuff from my pre-BC life.

Your husband isn't being super supportive, but he isn't the only one. This time around my husband has been great, the first round he was an a***ole. It was his idiotic way of coping.

What can you do? Well try to give him a break. Is there anyone else that you can call on for a drive to treatment? There are volunteer drivers to treatment here. Some of your friends would probably like to do something but have never been asked. At times you just need to ask, it's hard but people want to help and feel awkward about being intrusive. I'm no do-gooder but I would have been happy to be asked to take my neighbor off to her treatment. The broader your support group is the better for you and for your supports.

[caya]

Sheila,

Sorry you are going through this with your DH right now - but after 5 years, I suppose we have to give the guy a bit of a break - he was bound to crack a bit at some point.
I think men in general are not all that touchy-feely - and he is probably terrified of losing you, especially with some of the latest developments in your journey. Unforturnately he is expressing himself out of fear and frustration - and let's face it - this disease is the f***ing pits.

As one of the other gals said - Sheila, since I got diagnosed and found this site, you have been one of my heros - Obviously not the same as receiving kudos from your husband, but he's only human.

Please ask someone to take you to a treatment - believe me, people are more than willing to help, they just don't know what to do. Here in Canada the Canadian Cancer Society has volunteers who drive patients to their treatment if they need a ride.

I hope that you get through this with all the grace,dignity and love you deserve.

all the best
caya

[BonnieR]

Given the way men can be, I guess it is unrealistic to ask if there is a support group he might agree to attend. Or a social worker or psychologist at the place you receive treatment who he might talk to when you are both there anyway for your therapy....
My husband and I belong to a 12 step program because of me so he might be a TINY bit more open to such suggestions. Not that he has sought out anything.
He is "stoic" like so many men.....I can only imagine what he is going through....

[tricia keegan]

Sheila I'm sorry you're feeling this sadness right now, is it possible all these meds have you down too and maybe you're seeing things blacker than they really are?? My hubby was great during my treatments, I don't drive so he took off work (self employed) to be with me driving ...cooking or whatever. However since I'm not two years out he acts like this never happened and at times is selfish and indifferent which leaves me feeling alone too and concerned for the future. he has said "this cancer does'nt just effect you" and of course he's right. I think maybe your hubby is just dealing with this his own wayand possibly does'nt realize how hurtful his words can be to you. I agree with the girls if you can get someone else to drive then do so but if not ...if it was him that had the cancer you'd drive him and gladly lose time from work etc and the lower income so don't feel too bad about how hard done by he thinks he is. He may have deeper thoughts and feelings too about your illness that he does'nt discuss and I hope this passes soon as you don't need the extra stress.
Be a little selfish here and think of YOU right now and stop feeling guilty!!

[Liz J.]

Dear Sheila,

I am so sorry that you are going through additional stress. You always have been a great source of strength and support. I recall that anytime I posted with a problem/concern, etc. you always replied in a compassionate, upbeat and informative manner depending on the issue. I just wish I could help you with this situation. I know it must hurt like hell when you hear things about how you looked in the past, or finances or whatever. You did not ask for this disease and I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would do anything you could to comfort him. I know he must be frightened about your health and I am sure he loves you, but maybe he needs a little reminder of "For Better or Worse" "In Sickness and in Health". If you ever want to chat privately please send me a pm and I will give you my e-mail address and phone #. If you need a shoulder to lean on I want to be there for you. In the meantime, please hug those loving labs and I will keep you in my prayers.

Sending hugs,

Liz J.

[Audrey]

Sheila, I was sorry to read your latest post--you've been through so much lately...I was reminded of my own husband's reaction to my cancer--I also went to treatments by myself--his mom would drop me off and he would leave work a little early to come pick me up. I always felt a little jealous of the other women who always had their spouse by their side during every treatment and dr. appt. Anyway, I also lost both breasts and my hair, gained 20 pounds, felt tired all the time and had two small children to raise. One day he told me he was so tired of all this, that he had "compassion fatigue" and just wasn't attracted to me anymore. I was devasted. What happened to "in sickness and in health" vows and all that? We did talk to a social worker and she made me understand a little how much stress he was under and how differently men cope with their fears of loss. I thankfully had a lot of support from my friends and family, and we were able to get our marriage back on track again. Of course, now that I'm six years out from my diagnosis, have implants, my hair back and lost the extra weight, life is good again. However, it weighs on me that if I get sick again, he's not going to be my "rock" or as supportive as I would like him to be. When I mentioned this to my friend, another bc survivor, she said "that's why we have daughters" and it's true, I know that my little girl will be there for me. I can sympathesize with your pain and am wishing you the best that you can find some peace with your husband's lack of support at this time--Sometimes they are just doing the best they can, even if we'd like it to be more. I agree that finding other support people would be a good thing for you right now until he's ready and able to step up to the plate.

[Patb]

I wish I was nearby to drive you and give your husband some time off.
I know things get rough for caregivers also but those words do hurt and
we certainly did not ask for this disease, it is just life and all its ups and
downs. Take care and know that we are thinking of you.
patb

[sassy]

Dear Sheila,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with yet another problem brought about by this horrid disease. You have always been such a rock to many of us, please know that we are here for you if we can help in any way.

I think our spouses live in fear as we do, and men to have different ways of coping. If he is open to counseling, I think that would be very beneficial. But many men are not. If you have others to call on, it may help him to feel that he also has a support system.

Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
________
LIVE SEX

[anne2]

Hi Sheila,
I am so sorry that you are feeling like a burden. I do hope that your husband is going through a bitter phase. Maybe he's just upset at what you have been dealt in life. I am sorry that he seems to be burdening you with this.
I can say I felt a little of the same when my mom had her stroke last year. I was just so overwelmed by all the strikes, first the cancer then something else. It may be just from exhaustion. That's not an excuse though, just an insight.
I think it's only fair that you tell him how you feel. It may help ease your mind some also.
Regardless, it is a blessing that you are alive no matter what you have to go through, just to share the time with your loved ones.
Big hug and lots of love,
Anne

[Joe]

Shelia,

Have your husband apply for Family Medical Leave. He is qualified to take 12 weeks off -without pay, but his employer is required to continue his benefits. It is a Federal program and his employer has to grant him this leave.

He may also apply for intermittant leave ie: as necessary. That way he has one entire year to use up his 60 days. That way he doesn't have to use up his vacation.

Some states such as California provide up to 6 weeks of paid family leave.

Warnest Regards
Joe

[Jean]

Dear Shiela,
It also sounds like your hubby is very angry...this disease will have that
effect. Maybe he even feels angry because he feels this disease robbed
him of what he knew you to once be...before bc. We all change from
this journey - sometimes for the best and sometimes it brings out the
worst. I was very sorry to read your post - as I strongly admire you
and you are a positive role model for many. I wish I were closer - as I
would be honored to drive you - and I know we would have fun.

Please know you are respected and loved -

Sending huge hugs,
Jean

[tousled1]

Sheila,

I'm so sorry to hear the problems you are having. Yes, we gain weight, lose our hair, lose a breast and sometimes two, but we are still the person we were before this dreadful disease got a hold of us. I don't have a husband or significant other to lean on but I do have a wonderful daughter. Now that I'm back on weekly treatments she takes me to every one of my appointments. She does work from home on Thursday and that is the day of my treatment. It works out good as she takes her laptop with her and manages to get some work done while I sleep from the premeds. Your husband is probably very angry -- not at you -- but at this disease and what it has done to you. You are a very brave woman and have given some many on this site such support and compassion. If possible, I think you and your husband should sit down and try and talk about how this is affecting not only him but you as well. It's hard being the patient and sometimes I think it's even harder on the caregiver. I know with my daughter I was always very strong and here I am the complete opposite. Just know Sheila you have many women here for support and a shoulder to cry on. I just wish I were closer to you -- I'd give you a great big hug! Hang in there, things will get better.

Hi Sheila,

You're usually so positive that I was surprised to see your post title; there are certain people on the board that I use as a measuring point for myself, and you are one of them, so I'm really sad to find you sad.

My husband is great, but there are definitely times when I know he is having problems with my cancer, usually when I'm feeling low or looking at things bleakly.

I know this. If my husband had cancer I would be worse with that than I am with my own. I honestly don't know how I would cope as I would be worrying 24 x 7, whereas for myself I go days without worrying. Perhaps if you tell him how you feel. Also, I know in my marriage sometimes it's me, as I find myself asking if he still loves me or finds me attractive. He always comes back and asks the same of me. It may just be his way of coping with the stress.

I'm so sorry you're having an off time, but if anyone has a right it's you. Very best.

[Ceesun]

Sheila, I am just one more person who has benefited from your insights and thoughtful comments. Stay close to all those around you. Talk with your husband...breast cancer certainly isn't very practical and we all do lose some things for sure. I know a little of what you are feeling..we all find our ways to cope, endure, and hopefully thrive. I know you have grand children and I have my first this year, a 9 month grandson...when I look at him I think he is a little bit of me going into the future...it comforts me. Love, Ceesun

[Ceesun]

Sheila, Also...you are a Winnner...stay strong. Ceesun aka Cathy

[Adriana Mangus]

Dear Sheila: I'm sorry to hear that your husband is acting this way.

Maybe he needs to have some type of counseling, some guys do not express their feelings appropriately and other just say nothing, it could be that this is "his way out" of frustration. He loves you, he feels impotent that he's unable to do anything to bring back the woman he met, the one he fell in love with, the "healthy" one, (we are still healthy, this is a chronic disease). Talk to him, tell him how you feel about his comments, perhaps he does not even realize what he's said to you and that you are hurting.

Sometimes my husband makes comments about my weight and I simply remind him of my treatments, and I also tell him that am still here, fat or not, and he should be appreciative for that. He simply misses the "other" me. Please do not isolate yourself, talk to your husband.

Please keep us posted..Sending you much love to you and your family.

[Mary Jo]

Hi Sheila............................After reading everyone elses posts I can't really offer anything more to the conversation other than to say I feel really sad for you. I can understand both sides of the story, as it were, as this disease is very draining on everyone. However, that being said, I wish and will pray for this, that your husband can find a bit of compassion in his heart as he helps you deal with all you are going through and as he deals with how it has affected him.

Sheila, I'm sorry. I really am. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. This is such a fantastic place to get out all those feelings we all carry in our hearts and that no one else understands but us.

I'm here for you in Spirit.

Love you and pray Peace for the day.

Mary Jo

[tricia keegan]

Maybe your hubby just needs a break from all this (yeah I know..how come we have to be the strong one's?) anyway maybe if anyone of the ladies (or gents) on here live close to you they may be able to help by driving you occasionaly?? Wish I could as I'd love to meet you and know we'd get on great
Just a thought...