Dear Alice, As usual Stephanie's words are very wise. I think all of us on this roller coaster have gone through some of the feelings you both describe. It's like the world suddenly stops for us and all the things of value we thought we needed to be and do are stripped from us. We suddenly don't feel useful anymore; in fact where we were reaching out and giving and valueable, we suddenly feel useless and dependent. I remember when I was first diagnosed I was actively involved in a busy psychological practice with my husband. I was working long hours every day, and we loved the work and that we worked together, often in co-therapy with couples and families. Suddenly I was home, feeling terrible, weak, discouraged, and very useless. I told my oncologist that I felt like nothing I did was of any value anymore. I've never forgotten what he said to me: " You are working harder right now than you have ever worked in your life! " Then he explained to me that fighting to overcome a serious illness is a battle that takes a lot of focus. Healing is important work and takes all that we have at the moment. I am glad that we can share our feelings here and be understood, and that you felt a little better after sharing your feelings! I hope things fall into place a little more as you go back into the world, and that things get easier. It takes a lot of faith to keep on fighting this beast. Remember that you are working really hard just healing, and don't expect as much from yourself as you used to. Let go and let up wherever you can, and let other people help you, inclding others on this site who have been there too. Hugs, Tricia
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