Feel So Sad Right Now

Ceesun · 10-05-2007, 02:09 PM

I just don't know, I feel so sad about this little 2mm...DCIS that will turn my life upside down again. It's not that I am so afraid of that because it certainly isn't like the invasive which caused me to have the lumpectomy four years ago, or the lung met last year which, as my onc said yesterday, has been resolved for a long time now, but now its bye bye breast....probably no reconstruction due to the many surgeries and complications I have had....and this is the "straw that broke the camel's back for me" as far as retiring from teaching. My clinical trial nurse said, "cathy, take the remainder of the year off if you can." I am lucky ( lots of earned sick time) that I can do that, but I don't like feeling forced out of my profession. I have taught since I was 22 and I felt this was probably my last year anyway.....but I wanted to walk out on my own terms....sorry, to sound so blue and like such a 54 year old baby....just tired I guess. thanks for listening friends.... Cathy...aka Ceesun. Feel like transitioning to my real name.

Mary Anne in TX · 10-05-2007, 02:44 PM

Hi Cathy!
I do understand. I worked my granddaughter's school book fair this week a couple of days and tons of memories swept over me. I had taught and been a librarian years ago, and then did something else later. I realized just how much teaching gives back to the teacher. I did have the chance to encourage the librarian there to stay put and enjoy. My guess is that this experience will allow you to encourage someone else and be a mentor to others. You may or may not get to complete your year, but my guess is you will be an inspiration to many in the years to come! Here's hoping you get your wish. mary anne

Sheila · 10-05-2007, 02:53 PM

Cathy
I know exactly what you are feeling...I gave up my nursing carreer 4 years ago at the age of 51...when I became a IV instead of a 1....it meant making a decision to keep changing oncologists as my job involved working all over the country, or sticking with 1 Dr. and 1 program....I chose my health...I miss my job, not to mention the income as SSD isn't the pay I was used to, but I have adjusted, I am able to spend time with grandchildren, my parents, my friends....it does take adjusting, but the rewards are huge....think of all the extra time to help others here on the board! You are in my thoughts and prayers Cathy, I know this is hard, but you will do fine.

Lolly · 10-05-2007, 03:02 PM

Cathy, I know you feel blue right now, and we can all relate to the frustration of having to change our lives because of BC. You just need to do what's best for your health, and later you'll be amazed you ever had time to work because your new life will pick up steam as projects and plans and travel fill the void. This time of transition IS sad, but it will become better.

<3 Lolly

Becky · 10-05-2007, 03:11 PM

It is so unfair that you have to go through this again. I can relate. Especially over a lousy 2mm DCIS (mine was 3mm). Such a little thing but such a problem. Take a deep breath.

If you are going to be off of work, write down all the things you would like to do with the time but couldn't because of work. Do you have a hobby or one you would like to take up? Reading and taking a nice leisurely walk everyday? Even the mundane - like, I like my house to be clean but don't have the time to clean everything every week (and no $ to hire someone else to do it). Cooking nice meals? You know what you really like or would like to try. Make the list (even going back to school for you - taking courses or helping at your place of worship). Then focus on that list - your happy list (sleeping in!!).

Try to smile too because the rest of the body kinda follows in a certain way.

Love and hugs to you Cathy

tousled1 · 10-05-2007, 04:25 PM

Cathy,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. Yes breast cancer can and does turn your world upside down. Since you have the leave take the rest of the year off. There's nothing saying that you can't return to teaching next year. Try and remain positive -- there are so many things to look forward to.

sassy · 10-05-2007, 06:45 PM

Cathy,

If the thoughts of a mastectomy have you down, I have found that it has not affected my life at all. I had a left mast Feb 05 and have not had reconstruction. My husband is fine with that and I rarely even think about it. I may opt for recon at some point--it there if I ever decide I want to do it.

Take time now to take care of yourself--teaching will be there for you later if you decide you want to go that route.

Wishing you the best, and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Vanessa · 10-05-2007, 06:50 PM

Hi Cathy,

I don't really have any more suggestions, but I do hope you feel better and find something to occupy your time that makes you happy. I have to agree with Kate, there is nothing that says you can't go back to teaching next year. Best wishes.

Mary Jo · 10-05-2007, 07:56 PM

Hi Cathy,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this again. It seems so unfair BUT I guess we can't concentrate on the negative. Glass 1/2 full/1/2 empty scenario. I prefer to always look at the glass 1/2 full if possible. Of course, it isn't always possible and blue days are something we not only have happen to us but something we need to give in to at times. Sometimes we need let it all out and share with those who love us. Then we can regroup and find that glass 1/2 full once again.

The 1/2 full in your scenario is DCIS. I'm thanking God for you that it isn't invasive. You'll get through this as well and good will come from it. It always does.

Here's a gentle hug dear friend. Also I pray for God's Peace to wash over you as you journey down a different road in your life.

Love,

Mary Jo

lilyecuadorian · 10-05-2007, 08:24 PM

Cathy "the figth is figthing" so figth fight and be strong ......(sorry my english second language)

PinkGirl · 10-06-2007, 12:18 PM

Hi Ceese
Sorry you're feeling so down. I can really relate to what you are feeling. You have to deal with it AGAIN and you're tired of it. I know these feelings will pass and you will be ready to fight again. You can still walk out of your teaching job on your own terms - you just have to change your terms. Decide what you want to do for you, and then do it. You won't be getting "kicked out" of your job by cancer, you will be leaving on your own terms to go and kick cancer's butt. I like Becky's advice. Make it a new adventure - do all the things you've always wanted to do. Good luck with all of this

Barbara H. · 10-06-2007, 02:55 PM

Hi Cathy,
My heart goes our to you and I can certainly relate because I am still teaching. Right now you are emotionally upset. You may really wish to retire, but at this time I would leave my options open because you may feel differently in a few months. Plan to take the leave you need, enjoy the time off, and make your decision later after you have had time to live and relate to this new experience.
Good luck with what ever decision you make. There are positives to what ever you decide.
Best wishes,
Barbara H.

Andrea Barnett Budin · 10-06-2007, 06:24 PM

Every change in our lives is painful. Can't help but notice that one. And, bc is so indescribably life-altering -- it just adds insult to injury. You deserve better, but life is full of twists and turns we never planned on. What you can control is staying on top of your health and the course that must be followed. And that means you must be freed up with the time to do that.

No one but you cares as much or will spend as much time as you in ensuring that all goes smoothly and is overseen with discerning eye of a teacher. Use your skills to bring true quality to your life as best you can. Read books that will inspire you and touch your Spirit. See how remarkably words can impact your psyche and turn you around to greater awareness and deeper understanding. There's a cool list of books that was recently posted in a thread for those wishing to develop a book list. I know I contributed to it. So maybe you can get to it my hitting MEMBER LIST AND ANDREA AND FIND... I will search too for you and report back.

We all have blue moments, some lingering for days. It is your job to try to get in touch with your spiritual core. It is immensely elevating. It brings you into The Now and carries you forward and upward. BREATH, Cathy. Thank you so very much for sharing your true self with us. I can feel you even closer now, and I am so grateful for that gesture. Sending you loving, healing energy from my heart to yours, sweet Sister. So sorry you must dig deep for even more strength and courage, but in the end I just know with my gut that you will emerge greater than ever! I truly BELIEVE that, Cathy...

BIG HUGS,
Andi

vickie h · 10-07-2007, 12:58 PM

Hi CAthy, I remember when you changed Oncologists about a year ago and how painful that process was and I think of you today and how you have reached out to so many of us and shared that pain, and joy, and redemption. You have been brave enough to be fully alive on your journey, even through all the dark times, all the times when the clouds cover up the sun, and the rain drops fill our eyes. You are a survivor, dear sister, and your path has taken you into hills of fire and you have emerged, strong and determined and wise.
I think back to the moments we shared in our emails and I thank God for you everyday. I am on this journey with you, we all are sharing the path. Your tears are mine, and mine yours. I hold you close today with the knowledge that you are safe and loved completely.
My love and peace, Vickie