It started last week - still in a funk. :(

linn65 · 07-17-2013, 01:15 PM

Last week when I found out 2 Herceptins left and happy for a day. Then back to My Ex, GF, her two kids and now my son is home for 6 weeks and is staying at the house we raised him in, but not I am resentful. I didn't make my ex sell the house because he is the one that wanted it to begin with, I didn't take 1/2 his retirement, and I didn't ask for child support. The reason is because he does love our son as much as me, and I knew he would take care of him fincially and he has.

However, by doing that I never had control of anything and he controled everything. 5 years later they are one big happy family that I helped build on a bedroom, a big family room, and a two car garage and the new 40 year old GF with Fake Breasts/irony has went in and is re-doing it all and down the road they will be getting married (after she is divorced from 2nd husband).

I never had to deal with this before but I feel like they are the family, and I don't exist. It has gotten me really down, and I don't know how to get over it.

Geez, I am beating cancer, I should appreciate the small things right???

Lien · 07-17-2013, 02:10 PM

It sounds really rough. On an intellectual level, it seems somewhat right, but on an emotional level it sucks big time! Ofcourse you feel left out and sad and frustrated. You had cancer, she has your ex & the house & the kids. But.... he will be her 3d husband and chances are that she will screw up this relationship as well. Hopefully your son will be old enough to distance himself from all that. If not, you will be there for him, and he will appreciate your unconditional love, and when he grows up, he will realize how unselfishly you behaved so he could be happy.

I married a man who had two sons from a previous marriage. His wife left him for another man, and took the kids. After 7 years they split up and now she is with a man who doesn't care for the boys. They are grown ups now, but they know who looked out for them and who loved them unconditionally. We are off for a two week holiday tomorrow and 3 of our 4 kids are coming with us. The 4th is staying at home, because he can't get away from work. Otherwise he and his girlfriend would probably be coming with us as well.

For years I told my husband: just wait, they will come back to you when they grow up. And they did. They have a wonderful relationship now. Kids know. Trust me. You will be ok and your son will see the truth.

Sending big hugs and a virtual shoulder to rest your head on for a bit.

Love

Jacqueline

linn65 · 07-17-2013, 02:40 PM

I know this is bad I hope it does get screwed up! She is 40 and got married 4/2010 2nd time and I don't even know if she is divorced yet. My ex is 55 and we only had the one child and he is 21. He lived with me until his senior year then went back and forth. He is playing bball on scholarship and she has taken him to campus visits because I was in treatment and I had no time off work to go. This is the first time in his life I didn't go and she got to do that too. My ex said you should be great full that someone I am dating will so that for your son.i was sad because it couldn't be me. College is 7 hours away, and I am hoping when he goes back I can make a trip. I just have no vacation time because of cancer treatment.

They have plenty of money and are buying all kinds of new things for the house. Things I wanted and never got like a deck! She is pretty, she is nice and my son likes her. Then her family all just LOVE my son so it's all close knit. It good for him but it makes me feel like what do I have to offer....I just love him.

His Dad said if he makes deans list he is going to buy him a new car. He has a black 300c now, special paint, great stereo installed, the nice grill and even two sets of rims for the tires. He got it when he was 16 and he has taken really good care of it but now a new car! His Dad is a hero, the GF is pretty, funny and nice it doesn't get better then that. And him being an only child he loves her two kids 16 and 12. It's a small town so I can't get away from it all, and I hate it. I sure cant move to get another job I have 3 surgeries coming up, and I need insurance. Ugh. Feeling boxed in....

Cat · 07-17-2013, 03:34 PM

Jaqueline was right, your son will know who loved him and at his age money and "things" seem important to him so unfortunately he is attracted to that. You will see with time though that love will take precedence over it all. Be there for him mentaly and emotionally and he will eventually understand it.
I don't have the experience of divorce but my daughter was 12 when I was first diagnosed and she had a very difficult time with it and pulled away and became very angry at me at times. We went through some very rough times with her. It was difficult to remind myself that she did love me underneath it all. She has gradually come back and we seem to be developing a more stable and mature relationship. She is 20 and still has a way to go but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. You will too. I'm not sure how or when but try to hang in there and he will come back to you when you least expect it.
I also don't live in a small town but I think you should stand tall and try to rise above it and if people know you they will know you are a good and worthy person.
Fake it till you make it. As they say (I always wondered who "they" are! lol)
Hugs, Cathy

'lizbeth · 07-17-2013, 06:42 PM

1) You are getting fake boobs too! Tell the plastic surgeon that your ex is marrying a younger women, and well . . . you just need to have a better results than she does (wink, wink).

2) Ask your son if you can have his old car.

3) Date a younger, good lookin' man.

4) Make a wish list of what you really want in life, and stick it up on the refrigerator.

5) You are still run down from cancer treatment, and likely are physically and emotionally fatigued. Stuff gets to you. Fresh raw, pesticide free fruits & veggies, lots of filtered water, and daily exercise will help. You can't pick your family, but you can choose friends. Call them up, invite them over or better yet make fun plans with them. Get a massage or a manicure, or something that makes you feel special and good.

Its okay to have a pity party, you've had some tough breaks. The feeling of resentment is actually common in cancer patients. You can do simple meditations and just repeat a phrase. Pick something like "I feel happy" or "I expect an amazing future".

Better boobs - that's the ticket!

linn65 · 07-17-2013, 07:14 PM

Too funny I need better boobs then ex GF. And his old car is going to her 16 year old! Go figure.

I am still pretty raw with my emotion....my car wouldn't start this am, and my A/c was blowing hot air on way home. Well, brother in law gave me a jump, and I drove it to work and left it run for an hour. I went outside turned if off and it wouldn't start. I wanted to do the ugly cry. But I have to say I had a few tears, but I called place I got battery a year ago. He had me open hood, look at battery and give him numbers. Battery was under warranty! Got It jumped, took to car place, changed the battery and it started right up. They said a dead cell, and I said maybe my a/c will work now too. The guy chuckled but I started car up and a/c was blowing cold! Thank you Jesus! But my point that was enough to bring me to tears! Ugh.

I have never been depressed in my life but this year has been something. I did call and leave message for counseling appt. I don't want to be like this.

I want to walk around happy go lucky singing to myself. Crap. I sure do miss family it's all my life has been. Now, I am alone most of time, and again small town I don't know anyone single to do stuff with. My ex is from here I am from Evansville......Here it's 5 generations and I think you teach or farm. Lol

My sons first year of college I was a mess when he left, and I thought ok new life. Well, new life is cancer treatment. Wth.

linn65 · 07-17-2013, 07:16 PM

Oh and I HATE my hair! I looked better bald...my hair is in a gangly stage, so I forget what it's like to feel pretty. One breast, boy hai cut its not a sexy look! Lol

My son and I are close just takes me for granted. He does tell me everything and anything. But it makes me feel like what value do I have to him in being his Mom! He has been home since Friday I have seen him once. We text everyday but that's it. It just makes me sick he is in the house we raised him in with GF, her kids and my ex And everyone is freaking happy!

I want to say tag your it! 2 more herceptin's and get thru that. And rest up before surgery October 24th, I did make plans to go on trip in sept for work, and 30 year class reunion in October.

'lizbeth · 07-17-2013, 07:29 PM

I think your hair looks adorable. You don't think like a guy. One boob is better than none. I know what you mean. I was so upset about having only one breast the breast surgeon lined up a plastic surgeon for an immediate construction. They are much different in size. The crazy thing is most people don't notice.

snolan · 07-19-2013, 10:03 AM

Your idea of contact with your son is different then his due to generational differences. You want him there with you and he feels his texting is the same thing. Communicate to him your feelings thats all you can do. How he responds may not satisfy you but at least you get it off your chest.

SoCalGal · 07-21-2013, 01:05 AM

Make a list of all the ways your ex is an asshole. Read this list once an hour to remind yourself that "she" can have him. He's very pedestrian in his trade down in age and up In Tits. You need a man filled with love and kindness for you and the woman you are inside. Bodies age, sooner or later so what's inside is all we have. Keep setting the right example for your son. Be honest with him and tell him that while you are thrilled for his great relationship with his dad and his new family, you are feeling left out, forgotten and VERY vulnerable. Teach your son how to be a true man, and to see what you are going through and to hear what you need from him. That is a gift that no one else can teach him. It's so hard to be where you are. I've been there. It's been about 8 years and two GREAT relationships later for me. AND I am extremely close with both my kids who had to learn how to step up and be there for me during treatment since their dad stepped out. Stay strong!

karen z · 07-21-2013, 07:06 AM

You have gotten some incredibly wise advice from some very wonderful women on the board. More than a few of us have been where you are. Listen to the wonderful (and often funny) advice from such wise women. And, despite the tears (many of us have shed more tears than we can possibly tell you), remember to take care of yourself and your son in all the ways you CAN. You said "what value do I have to him in being his Mom!" Part of your value to him (other than being a good person to him and to others and teaching him by example) is that YOU ARE HIS MOM. NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD IS HIS MOM OR CAN EVER BE HIS MOM. THAT IS HUGE!! He is a major blessing and joy to you and no matter what else is going on in your life......(and believe me we all HAVE been where you are in one way or the other and many in the exact same way)>>>>>>>>>focus on being a good person, a good mom (you do not need money to do that) and take care of yourself. And those who say that your son will "get it" (if he doesn't now) are right. He is taking in everything and he WILL get it. Be tough, take care of yourself, try to not "fight against" things as much (easier said than done but I have found it is helpful) and be kind and generous of spirit to your son.

karen z · 07-21-2013, 07:09 AM

Please read all the posts in the "Dear Sisters of our Beloved Jessica" link and watch the videos of Jessica (and re-watch them). Jessica was Stage IV: please listen to what she says about life. You will not be disappointed.

Becky · 07-21-2013, 09:47 AM

Well, crap on a crapstick. Time does heal everything though.

1. Your hair will be back and you can have it any style or color you want because you are starting from scratch (and I think it looks adorable now but since I've been there, done that - I understand the length and texture are not you). But it will be better than ever soon.

2. By the end of the year, you will be all healed from your reconstruction with brand new boobies that will not sag or age!!

3. Your son is young and will see things for what they are in due time. Even the GF who may become a stepmom will not be there forever. She will need someone to adore her when the "new adorable" phase wears off. And it always wears off.

4. The GF will age too adding to the unadorableness. And her 2 kids might start to give the two of them trouble as teenagers do.

5. You do get to concentrate on only yourself and loving your son. Do what you want and surround yourself with happy thoughts and loving friends and family. You survived this cancerland and it shows you're tough. Tougher than a GF who always needs a new man for self assurance (and she will need another one at sometime). Hopefully she doesn't get sick and find nothing there.

6. Read my Winnie the Pooh signature quote. That's my mantra and its so true. We each doubt ourselves but can (and do) step up to the plate. You have too. Your head isn't in the sand. Just don't let the turkeys get you down because you're so much better than everyone else. You are perfect. A perfect you. No Hollywood actress could ever capture you 100% because you are unique and special. Please never forget this ever. Your son loves you and inherently knows this and we all here do too.

karen z · 07-21-2013, 10:07 AM

Becky's advice is "right on"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
So is her advice from Christopher Robin to Pooh (if only we could have this play in our ears on a regular basis)............it is such good advice as well.

IrvineFriend · 07-21-2013, 12:07 PM

I love everyone's advise! It's so true, the newness of the GF is going to wear off. Your ex has his own issues and I guarantee you, it's not peaches and cream every day. You have depth, you care about other people and are a wonderful friend. I will never forget you "being with me" throughout my first infusion through texting. You're a good friend and a good person and you are almost done with your treatments and surgeries.

Meetup.com has all kinds of activities for singles if you're willing to put yourself out there!

'lizbeth · 07-21-2013, 01:17 PM

I still vote for going to Texas and getting a cowboy.

SusanN · 07-21-2013, 02:51 PM

Hi Linn!!
WOW, what amazing advice, love and encouragement you are getting...
I went through a terrible divorce YEARS ago...even ended up in custody battle...thank GOD I won...at the time it started, my ex was dating...she didn't like me ONE bit...they ended up getting married...soon I did as well...
When my daughter had her "visits"...they adorned her...whatever she wanted...NOW...her dad has VERY little contact with her...I "knew" I had to try my hardest not to slander him or his wife in front of her (when she was young & even now) and pray that sooner or later she would see what was happening...

FORWARD...she is now 25...he rarely contacts her, through texting when he does...it is extremely sad/unfortunate...he can only blame himself as he lost contact with her...he allowed his wife to "wear the pants"...they had 2 boys together...

I tell my daughter that IT IS NOT HER FAULT and that he truly loves her...it just has gotten to the point where he doesn't know how to man/father up...unfortunately, she has lost respect for him...

Why do I tell you ALL this or a "slice" of this...because it WILL WORK OUT MOM!!! YOU ARE HIS MOTHER!!! HE WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU!!! $$$ & cars don't buy love...just be YOU...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...time has a way of healing...

I'm praying for you!!!

'lizbeth · 07-21-2013, 03:41 PM

Wow Mister Sister, you have a daughter too? everyone on the board is full of surprises.

linn65 · 07-21-2013, 04:37 PM

Thank you to everyone for such encouragement and uplifting advise. My son came over today and we watched the movie The Heat. I know he loves me, and I was having a pity party for myself. I have known my ex and his family since 12 years old. Now, I know it's the final chapter of my life is over with him. I should have known that before, but I didn't then with GF it has made it more real.

Becky I have noticed your Winnie the Pooh line several times! I made it a FB status once! And of course I always loved Winnie The Pooh.

Julie, I think your pretty awesome, and I am thankful to have you as a friend. We sure have had some ups and downs, but we always end up laughing about something despite it all. Now, you have a place to stay if you come to Indiana, and I do in California. (I think I got the better deal) unless you want to watch corn grow. Lol.

Lizbeth, love,love, love all your thoughts, opinions, kind words.....all of it! And you are pretty darn funny too!

Karen, I have Watched the video and all the posts too. She was a pretty amazing person and such a sweet spirit. I chuckled to myself when she told the story about so much leftover food and she threw it in garbage for the homeless people. When I have thought or felt I have it rough, and reading about her at I think 33 and stage IV cancer and never giving up and doing all the treatments she amazed me with her courage. I have a another friend I have made in the Very beginning of cancer her name is Ann Murray Paige. If you don't know her she has quite a story and is stage IV cancer. She is still fighting with everything she has to kick cancers butt and it makes me feel shameful when I whine, complain, or think I can't do this. She made a documentary that I watched before I started chemo last Sept of. her treatment process. She battled and one the first go around. Then several years later it reoccurred and now it's in her liver, lungs and 3 months ago found it in her brain. Another inspiration to me just like so many people on this board!

I am humbled and grateful for everyone's support without judgment it has been a lifeline to me. Thank you.

IrvineFriend · 07-21-2013, 06:10 PM

You sound better! Texas isn't that far. When we get our foobs done, let's find some cowboys! I'm just along for the ride as I'm in a relationship, but what are friends for! We can have one big Her2 girl's night out with everyone!!