Please pray for me/us...

[MGordon]

Hello Angels -

I've kinda been "online dormant" the last few weeks and hopefully you'll understand after read this thread - trust me - it is not because I do not think and pray for all of you, all of you, but life has a way of being a handful sometimes - and when too many things happen, my online life has to take a backseat. I still lurk and pray though!

I almost hate to ask again already, but I really need some prayer support. I just got home from the hospital (1:00 am Local) - yet again - this time for Lisa's mom, again. I swear I know this hospital better than anyone who works there - wanna know a shortcut from point A to point B or C or D or... - just ask Mel.

Lisa's mom, Frances, is 83 now and after losing her husband and Lisa within two months of each other she's losing her will to live. I do not want to go into to too many details, just pray for her. I've been trying to be her caregiver, but I still have to work and I can't be there enoguh. I try - I go over every morning for an hour or so and go straight there after work too, but right now it's not working. She's really down physically and emotionally and it now looks like I have to move her into skilled nursing and/or assisted living - but even then I do not think she wants to continue - I don't even have much confidence she'll last through the night - willpower is EVERYTHING, well next to faith, hope and love.

The local centers have a wait list over 6 months, but Drs are trying to help us bypass the list. I'm still in the middle of trying to settle the estate from when Buddy, (Frances' husband) died (obviously Lisa didn't quite finish that one and I JUST got power of attorney for Frances) and I am still trying to settle Lisa's estate as well - not to mention more bills than I can shake a stick at. Don't misinterupt - financially I just fine for now - it is just REALLY hard to write checks to hospital/cancer center/hospice. I wanna scream out - BUT YOU FAILED US HOW CAN YOU BILL ME. I know, I know - logical Mel not emotion... Y'all know how much chemo and PET scans and radiation and adjuvant therapies and... and... and... cost - but I'm just not there enough mentally to look upon these as bills. These were my hopes and dreams, not just bills.

I just don't know if I can handle three deaths in just under 6 months. I ty to be strong, but I'm really having trouble right now. So please, if you have a chance, pray for Frances - and pray for me too - please. Gawd - every 2 months another death I'm dealing with - and I'm starting to crack and I don't want to shatter. To be honest I don't know why my employer keeps me on - much less gives me the raise I just got.

I'm sorry - I am starting to ramble and I'm crying too hard to type. Please - just pray for Frances - and me too!

Thanks
Love and Light
Mel

[sassy]

Mel,

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as Lisa's mom. Life--and death--seems so unfair at times. I wish you strength, comfort, love and light....
________
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[Chelee]

Mel, My heart just breaks for you. Life sure has a way of throwing way to much at us sometimes. This is just so sad. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I sure wish I had some magic words to help you in some way get through such a difficult time. I will sure be praying for you and Frances.

Chelee

[jhandley]

Hi mel
I am praying for you daily. Hang in there..just one day at a time.
Jackie

[kimber]

Mel - You are loved by all of us here that "know" you. My heart breaks right along with yours.

I think that we both know that if Frances wants to quit living she has the right. Her pain after loosing her daughter and husband has got to be unimaginable.

You my friend, WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I for one will be praying and willing you to get through this. I certainly do not know why some people get just slammed with crap in their life and some and what seems like a fairy tale excistance. What I do know (because I have learned it) is that what does not break us makes us stronger. I don't mean to throw out stupid cliches but it is true. Just in looking back throughout my own cancer journey. I am a different person now. I may be missing a couple of boobs, but boy oh boy what I have gained.

You have to fight now Mel. For youself. Depression is like cancer in the fact that it can rob you of life. You will not let that happen. Skip seeing Frances today and go for a walk. See Lisa and feel Lisa in every step, sight and sound. Know that she is wrapping you in kisses with every sweet and gentle breeze that blows through your hair. She will help you find peace with all of this. I will try too. We all will.

This day I dedicate to you Mel. To only you. God bless my friend.

Much love - kim

[Sheila]

Mel

None of us can imagine the pain you are enduring right now. If Lisa's Mom has given up, there is not much you can do for her, but support her wishes....she must also be in a sea of pain and despair. It seems like you are experiencing a domino effect....please take care of yourself and know that you have given and done all one could possibly do....take time for yourself today, remember the good times, and know that we are all saying prayers for you and Lisa's Mom that tomorrow will be a brighter day for you both....When our lives spin out of control, and we can't seem to make sense or change them, prayer can be powerful for healing and resolution. May you feel the prayers and love from each of us today and everyday.

[tousled1]

Mel,

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. My heart aches for you. I lost my son to leukemia four years ago and losing a child is the hardest thing anyone can experience. It is cmpletely out of order. I can understand how Frances feels. If Frances has given up there is not much you can do other than be there to support her. I will pray that things turn around for her and you. You are an amazing man. Just make sure that through all of this that you do take care of yourself. You and your family are in my prayers.

[Andi]

Mel, it makes me so sad to hear of all the pain you (and Frances) have had to endure through these last months. You have been such a wonderful caregiver, but, like the others said, don't forget to take care of yourself. Support for caregivers is harder to come by than support for the patient. Life just seems to dump things in bunches sometimes, and you certainly have received more than your share. Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope that you find some time of peace soon.

[Jean]

Dear Mel,

So very sorry you are dealing with so very much at one time.
Having cared for my parent's and my husband's parents I understand
and know the care and attention that is needed. Plus add to that
your Lisa.....just know that you have done a great job caring for
all....now please take care of yourself...you must allow yourself
some private time just for you where you do not run anywhere
or sit down and address bill, papers, etc. Take a few quite hours
to rest and relax (you need that) between work, hosptial, and
attention to the details you will crack. You are only human and
you must be kind to MEL......

Will keep you in my prayers for peace and much needed rest.

Blessings being sent.
Jean

[suzan w]

Dear Mel, ditto to what Jean said...it is time to take care of yourself now. You have been an amazing source of strength to those you love, including all of us here at this most amazing support group. I have followed Lisa's and now your posts since I joined this site in the summer of 2005. You both have inspired me and given me hope. Prayers to you at this most difficult time. xox

[TriciaK]

Mel, Your post brought so many tears. Thank you for reaching out to us and allowing us to care about you and pray for you. You have been so strong for Lisa. Please take care of yourself now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Frances. Please keep in touch with us. Hugs, Tricia

[rinaina]

Mel, I don't have anything different to add that hasn't been already written or addressed by my fellow forum members, but I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and truly hoping that you will be strong enough to make it through this horrible year you have been through with your loved ones. My thoughts are with you and Frances during this difficult time. If this is her time, may she go peacefully and may you know that you have done more and everything than one individual could. I am so sorry you have had to deal with so so much these past months and then some. It all seems so overwhelming right now but please have faith that you will make it through. You have to Mel, you are just too good of a person to throw in the towel. I pray for you to have the strength. Your boss values you and understands, I am sure, all you are going through. We all value you to for you are a very special man who has done so much for many of us on here. Please don't give up on yourself.

[StephN]

... and let in that LOVE and LIGHT. I sense a lot of tension and heartbreak in your post - and for good reason. You have to lean a little somewhere and thanks for looking toward this group.

You are MORE than burning the candle at both ends and it seems with no one to delegate any of those duties. Maybe you need to ask for some "family leave" time soon and give yourself a break. Your employer has stuck with you so far, and may have just a bit more understanding for this problem.

If Frances is not able to care for herself and in the hospital - maybe they can find a "medicare bed" in one of the assisted living facilities as way to get her bumped up the list. She could be in danger of falling or otherwise hurting herself, falling asleep with something on the stove or other accident. She qualifies for some help besides you.

Prayers are coming your way to ease your heart and give you fortitude.

[Soccermom]

Dear Mel,
I am a relative "newbie" here, but wanted you to know that I too am hoping that you can find some inner reserve of strength,again,to cope with so much pain.

My heart is saddened for you,
Marcia

[Mary Jo]

Hi Mel,

My prayers are definitely with you all. I'm so so so sorry for all you've had and continue to go. Life can be so hard, can't it? How we all wish we could take another person's pain away for them. We can't do that but we can support and pray for one another.

May the Lord's peace surround you and hold you close,

Mary Jo

[Adriana Mangus]

Just wanted to write a note to let you know that I'm thinking of and praying for you. Hope you can find a solution to this situation. Love.....

[Joy]

Of course so much that I want to express has been expressed beautifully by so many. And, like Tricia said, thank you for reaching out to us and updating us. There is some good advice here, I wish I had magic words and thoughts (don't we all). There are times in everyone's life where it is smart and appropriate to ask for help. Have you been able to take part in any bereavement counseling? Or any kind of counseling (you may not want to share that-it is simply a thought).

Is it possible to triage your responsibilities and really space them out-especially paper work which is crazy-making for anyone under normal circumstances and unimaginably hard under these circumstances. Have you a friend or sibling with whom you could just go out-dinner, movie, walk? Just something to break the tension cycle.

You are an amazing caregiver. It is so wonderful of you to support Lisa in this current way as you did her for sooo long. The people in your life are very blessed to have you-AS ARE WE!!!!

Take some breaths, cry all you want-enjoy our Colorado sun and blue sky and know the prayers and thoughts are coming at you from all of us-I'm going to put it in hyperdrive for you.

[mslinda]

Dear Mel:

I will sure be praying for you and your family. I pray all will turn out well with your mother in law. I know all of these losses are so very hard. But God is good and always there.

Linda

[Donna]

Oh my gosh, Mel, this is too much for one human to bear! I know it is completely silly to say "please take care of yourself" now, but I truly hope you are getting enough rest and good nutrition to carry the many burdens you have been loaded with here.

My prayers are with you both - just keep focusing on the light of love you find here in this group - it's powerful stuff!

Love to you, Donna

[Lolly]

Dear Mel,

You both are in my thoughts ans prayers, and I'm visualizing all our prayers of love and support just FLYING to you and Lisa's mom right now, helping to lift you both and give you the strength to carry on. And a good night's sleep would no doubt do wonders I'm sure, so that is also in my prayers for you both.


<3 Lolly