again with the blues

[Joy]

Hi all,

just having a rough day. Nothing in particular. Well except cancer. I have scans next week too. I'm sad to think that maybe my run with Navelbine will end and then we have to face decisions and then what. I mean I know there are options. But i, just like all of you, want it gone. I would like to wake up some day and know that it is gone and I don't ever have to face it again. But, I know that is not possible and that makes me feel alone and scared and angry. All I want, really, is to grow old. So many people get that opportunity and I don't understand why I can't have that. It is so unfair as you all know.

When will my body say it just can't handle more drugs? When do they all just stop working? Why can't this dumb thing just be fixed? Is there any hope that some treatment will really work after all the ones I have had? Is there any real hope at all. Any hope that I will get to raise my kids? Meet my grandkids? Outlive my driver's license expiration?

I'm so sad right now. I don't know what to do.

[Sherryg683]

Oh Joy, I feel the exact same way you do. Everyone tells me "you're doing so good" (because I am in remission). They just don't understand the fear of this thing coming back and not being able to stop it. I too would just like to grow old and raise my kids. I look at old people and feel so envious. I have my good days but it's always in the back of my mind. Sorry I can't be more encouraging, except to say I understand how you feel and you are not alone in feeling that way. There is always hope and faith, that's what gets me by...sherryg683

[jag]

Joy -i Understand What You Are Saying...there Is A Lot Of Whys-what Ifs And Will They Questions...i Do Not Have Any Answers ...but All One Can Do Is Take One Day At A Time....easy To Be Said...but All One Can Do...maybe They Will Find A Cure....maybe You Will Meet Your Grand Kids ....try To Enjoy Each Day....dont Lose The Good Days Now When You Feel Ok....as It Says In The Bible Tomorrow Is Promised To No One......all We Have Is Today....bless You Joy...and I Hope And Pray God Watches Over You....and Heals You ...and Blesses You With A Long And Happy Life...i Hope I Said This In The Way I Meant...take Care Joy....

[Jean]

Dear Joy,

When I was first dx. I was feeling really frightened and very much alone.
I had one of my close friends tell me - she could get hit by a bus tomorrow
and yet in my mind I answered with - "well I can see the bus and the license plates on it"...I believe each one of us is worried and frightened at different
times - this cancer is like a hellish roller coaster. There is no easy answer
to reslove the emotions we endure.

I don't think stage even matters - all of the woman worry about this
disease. Our state of mind is so very important (the mind helps the body)
I am not saying that we will heal ourselves through our mind, rather I
believe we help or assist our bodies immune system to flourish and fight back.

I try not to have the cancer define me and take over my days to the point
that I can not function (which can easily happen). I also find it helps to
think of all the women that are surviving and doing well. (And you can and
will too)!

What helps me is to look around me and I see many who are less fortunate.
The world is full of bad things happening to good people. (Just recently the
nightmare at Virgina Tech.) We never know what tomorrow will bring
and it just might be a cure. I say to myself daily I can beat this and most
important I remember that I am not alone, I have my sisters on this
board to help me when I need it. Every day is a gift, please Joy don't
waste a day in fear - enjoy each day and live it.

Hope you feel better - sending you many hugs!
Jean

[tousled1]

Joy,

I feel your pain. Perhaps the upcoming scans is what is making you feel so down right now. I know that when I have scans scheduled that's when I'm at my worst emotionally. I'm praying that your scans will be okay and you won't have to make any decisions about treatment.

[Hopeful]

Joy,

I am so sorry you are going through a rough patch with your treatment now. So much of bc is mental; it is not enough that our bodies bear the brunt of this disease, but our hearts and minds suffer even more. So many times I have read your posts and felt your light shinning off the screen and bathing me in its glow. But even our sun doesn't shine brightly every day. Every now and then, a cloud crosses its face, only to have it re-emerge and shine even brighter. This is how I think of you. I have no answers for you (none of us does, but you know that), just whatever positive energy I can send your way. You give so much to us all - I'm glad you let us know you can use some to come back to you. You are in my thoughts.

Best of luck to you with your scans.

Hopeful

[Soccermom]

Dear Joy,
I wish that i could wave a magic wand and make "IT" all go away! I'll send healing thoughts and vibes your way and as Hopeful said , the sun will shine again for you soon.
I have my scans next week too, on Wednesday the 25th, and am feeling anxious too. The folks I work with just don't "get it" and keep nagging me to put on my happy face. Survivors are entitled to feel whatever they feel, when they feel it ( we have earned it) !

Big ginornous hugs,Marcia

[Joy]

all of the advice, shared thoughts and prayers and keep it in my nightstand! Thank you for such beautiful and passionate responses. I'm better today even though the cleaning elves have not showed up. I guess I'll be occupied with toys and laundry and vacuuming and grocery shopping-like a normal person, huh?

I really needed all of your reminders for daily life with this disease and like always, on this board, I'm moved by all of you and need you and love you.

[Mary Jo]

HUGE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Joy, Your way of expressing yourself moves me so. Your genuine sentiments and your humor make you glow, even in cyberspace! I think I'm in love. I have felt, and lived through, everything you comment about. Please stay in touch with your Essence, your Soul, your Spirit. It has eons of wisdom and wants only to help you. It is your Inner Voice. Your Teachers, Guides and Guardians Angels walk with you. They speak to you. Listen. They love you. We are never alone. Never. We are always divinely connected!

It a joy to meet you, Joy! Stay in touch. Stay strong, brave and determined, loving, full of laughter and humor, giving and grateful for your blessings. Work each day toward becoming a miracle. You're doing a thumbs up job! My prayers and thoughts are with you. This is one lady headed for NED! Look out world!
ANDREA

[Carolyns]

Hi Joy,

I have decided to keep a graph with my general emotions mapped out. I find that I have this cycle of emotions leading up to and away from scan time. It makes me feel like I am going crazy. My life feels like a roller coaster ride and in the past I always tried to stay very even with my emotions.

I call scan time inscanity. It feels like I can't get a grip on the fear factor. It can take over my daily life. You are not alone.

You can always come to us because we can understand as well as anyone.

Love, Peace, and Hope,

Carolyns

[Joy]

what amazing women are on here. Andi, I LOVED your second post and Carolyn-the word 'inscanity' is so fabulous. A chart is a good idea as it can be so hard to see the forest through the trees. I have used the phrase 'pre-testal syndrome" and sometimes I don't even realize that is what my problem is even though I know I have upcoming scans! I swear I used to be a smarter person.

[rinaina]

Joy, I am sorry you are feeling so sad and blue once again but take comfort in knowing that we all from time to time slip back into that mode and certainly with the anticipation of getting scans and waiting for the results. Yes there is reason to hope and think that someday you will be done with this cancer...you have to have hope and think positive and never ever give up. You are so young with possibly many many years ahead of you to enjoy. It may be with continued treatment but you can do it. We are stronger then we think. Just look back at all you have conquered and continue to conquer. This is not the time to throw in the towel and give up. Periodic sadness and depression are normal and a part of all of this, but the majority of the time we are busy, productive and happier. If it ever gets where the majority of the time we are sad and depressed, then it is time to seek professional help. Staying well or reasonably well with cancer is so reliant on our attitudes and frame of mind too, not just the drugs. I hope you make a turn for the better and your days are filled with less sadness and worry.

[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Around a week prior to scans (which were every 8 wks, then I graduated to every 3 mnths and then begged and got every 4 mnths -- this is many yrs after my mets into liver -- and was told firmly BUT THAT'S IT. YOU CAN'T GO ANY LONGER.) -- I get crazed. Feel stressed, overwhelmed. Try to talk myself down. Once I tackled my laundry room sink which was badly, disgustingly stained when we bought the house. On my way out to the garage each and every day, I must pass this eyesore. I took out every cleaner I owned over the past decade from my cabnets and made my concoction. I used brillow, a sponge with a gritty side, everything. THAT SINK GLOWED WHEN I WAS DONE! And I swear I felt a bit better. I took out my aggressions on that damn sink and now enjoy the fruits of my labor. When I went for a manicure, my manicurist asked, after gasping, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NAILS??!!

Meanwhile, I tell myself, in my pre-scan mode, I will be STABLE. I will remain STABLE. My scans are only proof of my remission. Before, w/multiple mets in my liver, I had specific instructions written by the doc ea time for exact size of ea tumor. I'd get a copy of my every 8 wk report (as I request copies of everything JUST FOR ME). I read and re-read and compare to last report. I take a totally proactive approach to my treatment -- participating in my own wellness! This mkes me feel a sense of control over my out of control situation that dictates my life by necessity. My out of control defective gene is kept in check by Herceptin and my mind's daily instructions to my body.

At first when I'd compare the difference in size of each tumor, I felt I'd worked so hard, on Taxotere, and had slow but steady progress. Then my husband Paul would figure the overall square of the area of each tumor and the #s jumped off the paper. I was making way better progress than I'd thought.

So, SCANS ARE PROOF THAT I AM STILL STABLE or MAKING STEADY PROGRESS TOWARD HEALING. That's a week long mantra leading up to scans. Afterwards, I feel like I just signed a contract for another 8 wks, w mnths, 4 mnths, whatever. (I also dread the chest/abdomen/pelvic scans with and without contrast because the contrast gives me diarrhea for up to 3 days.)

As an important aside -- I totally believe in the mind/body connection and know the two converse all day long re breathing, processing and such. I send specific commands to my immune system and to my tumors, when I have had them, to do exactly as I say. Someone told me a story (a Survivor and a counsellor) that "her" doc told her of an inexplicable spontaneous remission. A patient of his was in the supermarket wandering aimlessly with lung cancer and her fears. A complete stranger approached her. The woman placed her hand on the upper part of this lung patient's chest and said YOU ARE HEALED. The next scans she had showed all her cancer had disappeared! That the doc could not explain what suddenly happened but for this story the patient told him and shared with my friend. THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED FOR THE FIRST TIME -- healing does not have to be an inch by inch slow but steady process. HEALING CAN OCCUR INSTANTANEOUSLY. So I incorporate that newfound bit of wisdom in my daily routine of staying on top of the fears and worrys, the discouraging moments, the feelings of being overwhelmed by the task at hand -- LIVING AS A CANCER SURVIVOR!!

Hope this helps others to re-see their situation. You are not helpless in your fight. And you are not alone! We ALL STAND TOGETHER, AS A STRONG, BRAVE, UNITED FORCE OF RADIANT SOULS ATTENDING TO THE BUSINESS OF KEEPING CANCER AT BAY.

With love for you all, I send you healing Energy (as I believe I am overflowing w/it). I say THANK YOU with the gift of every single day.

ANDREA

[R.B.]

As a male non sufferer I feel totally unqualified to try and get more than a glimpse of what you all really so bravely endure. It is not that I do not wish to offer emotional support it is just what ever I think to say seems rather inane in the circumstances and context of your experiences.

I can offer up the results of my reading for you to think about.

Please do not take this post as a suggestion that you are suffering from any sort of mental condition - its just researchers do not do the feeling a bit down. But the brain is the same one.

- it is made up of 60% plus fat. It does not work as well if it does not have enough omega three (DHA and EPA in particular)

- women have a higher need for omega three than men.

- most in the western world have an omega three six imbalance (much more six than three)

- if you don't eat it, and your body for any reason cannot make it or does not get the raw materials you are going to be short of DHA and EPA.

- there are a host of trials suggesting the importance of omega three to mental well being.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...play&DB=pubmed

You might like to read Smart Fats or the latest version M Schmidt which looks at the issue in depth. You will find it for a few $ on the WEB.

And lots of trials suggest omega three DHA in particular may help reduce the risk of BC.


RB


Here is an abstract for a recent trial

"Omega-3 fatty acids can help to prevent the development of certain cancers, particularly those of the breast and colon, and possibly of the uterus and the skin, and are likely to reduce the risk of postpartum depression, manic-depressive psychosis, dementias (Alzheimer's disease and others), hypertension, toxemia, diabetes and, to a certain extend, age-related macular degeneration."

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/...l=pubmed_docsum
ABSTRACT


This review details the specific needs of women for omega-3 fatty acids, including alpha linoleic acid (ALA) and the very long chain fatty acids eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) and docosahexaenoic acid (DHA). Omega-3 fatty acid (dietary or in capsules) ensures that a woman's adipose tissue contains a reserve of these fatty acids for the developing fetus and the breast-fed newborn infant. This ensures the optimal cerebral and cognitive development of the infant. The presence of large quantities of EPA and DHA in the diet slightly lengthens pregnancy, and improves its quality. Human milk contains both ALA and DHA, unlike that of other mammals. Conditions such as diabetes can alter the fatty acid profile of mother's milk, while certain diets, like those of vegetarians, vegans, or even macrobiotic diets, can have the same effect, if they do not include seafood. ALA, DHA and EPA, are important for preventing ischemic cardiovascular disease in women of all ages. Omega-3 fatty acids can help to prevent the development of certain cancers, particularly those of the breast and colon, and possibly of the uterus and the skin, and are likely to reduce the risk of postpartum depression, manic-depressive psychosis, dementias (Alzheimer's disease and others), hypertension, toxemia, diabetes and, to a certain extend, age-related macular degeneration. Omega-3 fatty acids could play a positive role in the prevention of menstrual syndrome and postmenopausal hot flushes. The normal western diet contains little ALA (less than 50% of the RDA). The only adequate sources are rapeseed oil (canola), walnuts and so-called "omega-3" eggs (similar to wild-type or Cretan eggs). The amounts of EPA and DHA in the diet vary greatly from person to person. The only good sources are fish and seafood, together with "omega-3" eggs.

[Ceesun]

Joy, Please just hang in there. I know that is a cliche, but we must do just that sometimes. With our doctors, family, friends and God we can get through the tough times. I feel alone many times in this -going over things a million times- but after all that, we just have to press on. In friendship, Ceesun

[Catherine]

Dear Joy,

Thanks for sharing your bad day with us. We are all blessed to have this wondeful forum to share and connect. You have all taught me so much. Joy, your picture in particular always puts a smile on my face. Now I am picturing you pushing a vacuum cleaner and wearing an apron. Next come the yellow gloves and the toliet brush. LOL

As usual, our sisters have given great advice. I too take special notes to my night stand. I am glad you had such a nice list to read and reassure you. I will hope and pray that the scans will give you good news. Be as kind to yourself as you can. You deserve the best.

Love to you, Catherine

[Joy]

Just so long as you picture me with the vacuum, the toilet brush, the gloves, the apron WHILE listening to Pearl Jam very loudly-kay?

[Carolyns]

Hi Joy,

I am thinking about you and hoping that you have a good weekend. Praying for good scan results.

Love, Hope and Peace,

Carolyns

[Carol Carlson]

Joy, The one thing that I can say for certain is that we all have "those days" and times. It's interesting about letting loose in the shower, because that's where i feel the most comfortably bawling my brains out. I'm vunerable and alone and I don't have to be strong for anyone.... I can just cry to my heart's content. By the time I'm dry and dressed, I feel a bit stronger and feel as though i can face the world again.
The emotional roller-coaster that this this disease creates is tough, but please know that there are literally thousands of us that are pulling for you and will be there in spirit during your next go- around.
Love,
Carol