[NEDenise]

Hello My Friends,
Soooo sad about losing Amanda... have been in a bit of a funk. okay... a lot of a funk. Her pain must have been unimaginable. I'm glad she's found much needed peace. But, I just can't stop thinking about her husband and kids. So sad. Such emptiness.

I will miss her already, and want to post a remembrance, but I just can't yet. There are so many priceless things about Amanda... I don't want them to fade.

Losing so many friends, in such close succession... is starting to become overwhelming. It definitely has made me realize how much we need each other... well, at least it's made me realize how much I need all of you! As Shirley pointed out to me... you never know when or who your posts might reach out to... whether they were intended for that person or not.

At first, I thought I needed a break from the board and all the sadness... but I've realized that's exactly what I DON'T need. No one in the world understands what it's like to be us... except us. We have to be here to support each other. So... here I am... tear stained cheeks and all.

Honestly, I haven't been feeling well at all. I'm relieved that the MRI showed nothing tragic, of course.
And the weekend was fabulous!
The kids did great at the band competition,
the fall leaves were in their full splendor...
I got to spend LOTS of time with Ted and our youngest, Ben.

But... I just don't feel well. Like... full blown chemo, not good.
Which can reeeaaally drag your mood to the dumps.
The arm shaking is lessened.
The off balance-ness is tolerable.
No more visual symptoms at all.

Still having trouble with speech.
Now in the spirit of full disclosure... I have always talked fast... really fast.
I've actually had students ask me to slow down because they couldn't "listen that fast".
But this isn't exactly slower speech.
It feels more like how I talk when I've been awake waaaay too long and it just comes out slowly,
a little too quietly, and not crisp...
I drop the consonants on the ends of some words.
Does that make sense?
My brain is sharp... but not my tongue.
And, I could lapse into a nap at any time of the day or night, just by closing my eyes for a few minutes.

On top of that, I have a dull headache almost 24/7 and feel just a little bit nauseous too. I thought it might be related to my thyroid and adrenals but so far we haven't found evidence of that.
As far as Ritalin is concerned I took that before BC for what we thought was chronic fatigue. (thanks for the reminder Rhonda - and welcome back! I've missed you!)
I now think it was the beginning of BC ravaging my body.
I'm torn between wanting to feel better, and being afraid to mask symptoms that might kill me.

Now, friends, remember, you asked.
Please don't think I'm worse off than I am.
My cancer seems to be stable.
It doesn't get a whole lot better to my way of thinking!
I just wish I had more energy and could get more done!

Thank you all for caring about me and checking in on me.
I'm sure you don't realize how much your concern and support mean to me.
Believe me when I tell you that I get much more from being here than I could ever give back!

Sorry this got long. Hope it didn't drone on or ramble too much!
Love to all of you!
And unending prayers as you face the challenges in your life... BC related or not!
Denise

PS- Caroline, I loved the song... no "inappropriate" ad before the version I watched.