[Andrea Barnett Budin]

Hi Sherry! It is so good that you see how you could improve yr QOL by consciously choosing to stop old patterns. You are evolving, as we are each meant to do. Each day I strive to become more grounded, while being alert to the worries and stresses that give me the willys and in turn make me snippy at the very least. I can see now how our thoughts are linked to our phsyicality as well as our emotions = how we feel.

I have to leave at 6:45 AM this Thurs for my mammog. Now I was alw anxious before mammog (10 yrs before bc dx) and would sit in the waiting rm w/the other women and sense their energy, which in some ways worsened my own, and also had the effect of calming me, as I felt I was not alone on w/this angst and anxiety. We all call out to one another as ea was called in -- Good luck! We'd make fast friends. I have Vit H the following Thurs along w/onc visit (which I now do ev 3 mnths) used to see him ev single time, then once a mnth, now a graduate. Still I have a list of questions (much derived from this incredibly wonderful and well-informed board). The last Thurs this mnth I have what have become my ev 6 mnth CT scans (which is scary territory after moving from ev 8 wks to ev 3 mnths to ev 4 mnths for so many yrs). I am talking to myself a lot as of yesterday. My husb is going through shingles and his suffering his impacting me gravely. I can't wait for him to get better (it's been 2 wks of 24/7 pain for him). I wish this for him, naturally. And I, selfishly, wish it for myself, as I can't take it, watching him in such agony all day and all night. Looking grey, usually tanned from 3 days of golf a wk, hunched over, face drooping, mouth gnarled. So the energy in this house is percolating and I am busy trying to keep a lid on everything. It's a full time job, which it is alw is but now w/added stresses the mountain I have to climb lks a lot taller than usual. But acknowledging our feelings is the first step in recovery! Like alcoholics. I am a bc Survivor, and pray w/ev day that I will stay there. Tests taunt me as I explain to myself that this will just be another way to verify my wellness. I refuse to say this one is going to be it -- when the other shoe drops. I won't put that energy out there. The best I can do for myself is stay positive, I am sure everything will be fine, but I'm just a tad anxiety-ridden, admittedly. That's normal. It's a part of being human. And then I try to connect to what is the basic spiritual composition of the True Me.

Good idea for yr healthy husb to do the dirty work! I was lucky in this way as Paul, who felt helpless w/my bc found a outlet in taking care of the bills, the insur co., following up on promising new treatments he googled. This let me be free to focus on HEALING and attaining wellness.

Yesterday, in a rare situation, I followed up on the Bloomies bill. Paul alw gives it to me as all charges are mine, to make sure there aren't mistakes. I caught a double billing for my beloved old foundation. So I called the question it a wk ago. I had the bill in hand and went over and over, knowing I was right. I wrote the woman's name down, the date and time I spoke w/her. It'll prob take 2 or more billing cycles for the mistake to be rectified. Annoying, but thank you very much. Paul kept the bill aside as a reminder. Then yesterday we got a letter saying I must call to give more info. Paul said ignore it, but I couldn't. $52.50 is a lot of $, better in my pocket, where it belongs. Of course you start off speaking to a machine and then prompting and prompting, punching in your acct # and the last 4 digits of yr social. Then the voice says sorry didn't get that right. Please do again. This time I tk the VOICE route. Still a prob. So now I hold waiting for a real person. When she finally gets on I KNOW she is going to ask, as is common, for the exact same info I have alr provided. And she did. I was a bit snippy, perplexed by the dumb process. Why do they ask, to pull up my info and then re-ask. Any way she said the charge was right. I said wrong. She was patient and went over it again. I began to be patient, certain I was right, yet exasperated by my inability to communicate this. Then she asked how I purchased the item. This jogged a memory. I'd called to make sure they had the exact name of my color, which they often do not. She had 1. She'd put it behind the counter. What's yr name? When you come in, if I'm not here, tell them it's behind the cntr w/yr name on it. And that's precisely what happened. And then I was charged, seeing no receipt in the bag. This Carin (I alw ask for their name and use it) said that in order to hold it for a cust they auto charge it. So prob I was charged 5/2 and then charged again when I came in and used a diff salesp on 5/3. I calmed down. We started to chat and laugh. I love this founda (Alexanadra DeMarkoff and have used it for over 20 yrs and alw pray it won't be discontinued as so many things you come to love are). Carin related and we shared stories and had a lovely time. I have learned not to badger and berate as that gets us no where fast. I try to alw be a lady, polite, but firm. Anger is counter-productive and eats at our core, which is so very unhealthy.

I love yr skinny dipping story. We all need more skinny dipping and staring at the awesome sky lit up w/all those infinite # of stars and galaxies. We, the Earth, are so infinistessimal in the vast Universe. We are a tiny golf ball. A pimple. Making awesome spiritual connections blisses us out, offers us a sense of harmony and being one w/the Universe and all its' beautiful creations. We are ea unique beings. Such moments make us smile, and make our hearts smile. They are very theapeutic and healing. I wish everyone of my Soul Sisters more skinny dipping, dolphin sightings, Yosemite remembrances... Sending loving and healing energy always, ANDI in Boca