[SoCalGal]

Hello lovelies,
Going in tomorrow for Kadcyla #2. Dose reduction for grade 2 side effects. Liver enzymes came down to high normal. I'm feeling pretty good, would need a few more days to really gather energy, but trying to stay on 3 week schedule to give this it's best chance to work.

I'd be a liar if I said I feel good about going in tomorrow. I'm so anxious, took a 1 mg Ativan at 9o pm and it didn't touch my anxiety. Finally took another half, and at least the gripping feeling in my stomach has backed off. I know it is likely the reaction won't be as bad, along with me being better prepared with aggressive amounts of Prevacid and Zantac, not waiting for reflux attack, will try to preempt. And not expecting to get the stomach flu during the second week, so right there, two big improvements. All that said, and all the "be present, be brave" self talk is doing nada. All I can think about is reasons not to go in.

My kids make my life worth living. My art, my dance community, my friends, my family, the love and connections I've formed over the years - these are the reasons my life is worth fighting for. So that's the practical side. The emotional side is stronger - it's screaming in my head, I DON'T WANT TO FEEL SICK, I DON'T WANT TO DO CHEMO, I DON'T WANT TO DO TREATMENT. I AM SCARED TO DEATH, I AM TIRED OF IT ALL, THE FIGHTING, IT'S TOO MUCH. JUST LEAVE ME BE. LEAVE ME ALONE. I WANT TO STOP TREATMENT". That is the voice I'm fighting and it's fierce and it means what it is saying. I've had a disease for 22 years on and off, the last 10 on "according to the doctors and machines". I've never personally felt or seen this cancer. Yet I must fight it for my life. No wonder I am so sad all the time. It's like a very bad trick, on me.