[NEDenise]

No! No! No!
Can you hear me screaming?! This cannot be happening!

Amanda, my dear friend...
no doubt about it...this SUCKS! Up...down...every-which-way-from-Tuesday!

The injustice of this whole mess is staggering. So many bad people in the world get off scott free...and terrific people like us...get screwed.

And, what about our kids?! What the hell did they ever do to deserve this nightmare!? Sh%#! Sh%#! Sh%#! I'm not even sure whether this makes me more sad...or angry. I bet you're having trouble deciding that too.

Honestly, you may have noticed...I don't do sad very well...so I think I may already have jumped to angry...sorry about the potty language.

But...and I hope this doesn't sound too "Pollianna-esque"...
without hope...
the anger is wasted...and we can't have that!
Rage against those lung mets! They hate that.

The fact that you are still feeling so well physically tells me that your body is not giving up hope. That alone makes me think this story is a looooong way from over. So, let's cut your brain and spirit a break for a bit...they deserve a chance to wallow in despair...but not for too long...or they might get stuck there...and that would be bad...very baaad.

Now...45 minutes of kicking a football...girl, I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that 4 to 5 minutes of kicking a football would have me wheezing and panting...you are amazing to me. Not just because you're able to stay active, but because, whether you're doing it on purpose or not, you're keeping life normal and happy for your family. That's hope in it's purest, most selfless form...IMHO.

And, the fact that you're already exploring new treatment options, and making plans also tells me that hope is still alive in there...it's just kinda tired right now. BTW...end of life care discussions do NOT mean end of life is near...it just means you are planning. Ted and I have had those discussions many times over the years...for both of us...long before BC reared its ugly head. Everybody should have a loose plan in mind long before they ever need it.

So...my expertise with lung met meds is non-existent...but having said that...you mentioned that your cancer hasn't had much experience fighting taxanes. My cancer hated TAXOL! And so did I...it was absolutely the hardest 8 weeks of this whole nightmare. I actually cried (something I've only done twice since this all started) and asked the onc if I really had to have the last treatment. It was misery. Painful, exhausting, misery. But, alas...it seems to have worked.

If my opinion matters at all...I really, truly don't think someone who is still feeling so well physically can be "at the end of her road" yet. It just doesn't seem like that can be true. I agree that the progression news is not good...but the fact that you are still so strong makes me think that treatment options still untried are the ones that will stop things in their tracks.

Realistically, neither one of us may ever be NED again...but that doesn't mean we can't see our kids finish high school...get married...I'm even hoping to cuddle grandchildren someday.

So...let's take a collective deep breath. Hug our kids...and jump back into the fight. Remember my friend...hope doesn't mean you're happy...it just means you're willing to keep trying...something I don't think you'll be ready to give up on for a good long while yet.

Sending you all the love and extra hope I have laying around! Prayers and healing too!
Denise