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I am having huge issues with survivor's guilt.. i recently began dating a man who lost his finacee to BC 5 years ago.. in 2005 i was dx with DCIS and IDC (Her2 +)..

after surviving my treatment, i began running.. i met DJ when i entered the world of ultrarunning.. he is one of the best in the world and i am now up and coming in the sport.. i am proud of how far i have come in the last few years... i am able to run 100 miles in under 20 hours and hope to do very well in 2010..

about 5 years ago DJ lost a fiancee to BC and in our small ultrarunning world, fans and reporters and such are so interested in his story about his tragic loss that over and over i am finding myself reading about how his deceased fiancee inspired his greatness today... at first it to found his story compelling and inspiring, but now i am starting to have a very hard time coping with this...

i fear recurrence daily..i had a 2 cm benign tumor removed a few months ago.. and i fear that everytime something abt BC arises he is reminded of the loss of his love which i fear will always overshadow me. I feel so horrible that i want him to be greatful that i survived when i know that instead he is pained by his loss..

I am not sure how to handle this.. for years being a survivor has been something i have been proud of.. i have worked hard in my sport to be a role model and inspiration to others who may be afraid that the treatment for cancer will render them weak..i want to show people that if you fight the fatigue you can accomplish great things.. i met DJ, and together we ran out butts off... and people started to recognize (both of us. mostly him but also me..) and now after reading another article about his tragic loss of his love, i feel horribly guilty for living in fear of recurrence, i feel like his loss deminishes my right to fear recurrence and i am now having trouble coping with the unique struggles of survivorship...

any thoughts, advice, help.. thank you.

sm