[Andrea Barnett Budin]

In 1998 my 4th stage lobular breast cancer erupted (after 3 yrs of calm). It recurred throughout my liver. Too many to count or do surgery on. What I had was inoperable and incurable. I would be on long term chemotherapy for the rest of my life.

My certainty and positivity dissolved. I felt crushed. Trapped in disbelief. Friends told me, You did it before, you'll do it again. I was devastated. I had run a triathlon and was not as strong or brave as I had been 3 yrs earlier.

I took Zoloft by day and Ativan at night and I read. I read books about conquering Souls and I tried, really hard to believe again. It wasn't working. Then, finally, 3 mnths after the 2nd dx, I gained my footing again. And in December of '98 I wrote my Prayer For Survival. I share it with All who'll read it.

What happened was -- I finally became reconnected with my Spirit! We are each a Spirit -- with a mind and body. I was misidentifying myself, as I did prior to July '95, when initially dx. PLEASE SEE MY POST BELOW FROM 7/20/12 for further explanation on this.

Now when feeling undone, and we all have those moments/days/months -- I read my prayer -- to reawaken my personal power. May my words help you reconnect, and become personally empowered. This is your birthright. Claim it!

You're not a hostage of misfortune! You're a Survivor. A shero. A warrior. You can do this.

Let your hugs and kisses linger...

Laugh often. Don't just smile -- beam (from your Soul, at your very core)...

PRAYER FOR SURVIVAL

I AM WOUNDED, BUT I WILL SURVIVE. I AM DEEP IN THE WOODS, BUT I AM NOT LOST. MY BODY ACHES WITH THE DEATH OF MY CANCER CELLS, BUT I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. THE STORM WILL NOT TOUCH MY CORE. I WILL NOT LET IT! MY ESSENCE IS CALM AND POISED. MY WILL IS GREAT AND SHALL TRIUMPH. I WILL BE STEADFAST. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

DELAY IS NOT DENIAL. THOUGH MY DESIRED RESULTS ARE NOT NOW AT HAND, THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE FAILED. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED IN THIS STRUGGLE. THE TANGIBLE EVIDENCE OF MY EFFORTS LIES BEFORE ME. MY INNER “KNOWING” TRUSTS THAT THIS IS SO. IT WILL BE. AS I EXPECT THE BEST, SO IT WILL COME. IT IS A UNIVERSAL LAW.

WHEN A GUSTY WIND BLOWS THROUGH MY LIFE, I WILL RETREAT TO MY CORE! I WILL NOT BREAK. MY SPIRIT WILL NOT BE BROKEN. THE CANCER IN MY BODY CANNOT TOUCH MY SOUL! I AM DILIGENTLY STANDING GUARD.

I WILL NOT MISTAKE WHAT I KNOW FOR ALL THERE IS. I AM NOT IN COMPLETE CONTROL, AND THAT IS OKAY. WHAT I CAN CONTROL ARE MY THOUGHTS AND HOW I WILL VIEW AND FACE THIS BITTER LOT. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME DOES “NOT” DEFINE ME. IT IS HOW I RESPOND THAT WILL TELL WHO I TRULY AM. I AM A POSITIVE ENTITY. I WILL NOT ALTER MY BELIEF SYSTEM. I AM STRONG, BRAVE AND DETERMINED. I WILL SHOW OTHERS THE WAY. I WILL TEACH MY CHILDREN TO FACE ALL ADVERSITY WITH GRACE AND COURAGE. I WILL DO IT FOR MYSELF AND FOR THEM. THIS IS A CHOICE I CAN MAKE. THIS IS THE CHOICE I MUST MAKE. I WILL LEAD THE WAY, DIRECT MY STEPS, MY MANNER AND MY LIFE.

WHEN I AM GRIPPED BY THE SORROW OF NOT BEING HERE ON EARTH WITH MY FAMILY, I MUST ERASE THAT NEGATIVITY. WHEN I CAN ONLY THINK HOW SAD IT WILL BE NOT TO BE HERE WITH THOSE I LOVE, I MUST REPLACE THOSE IMAGES WITH JOY-FILLED ONES. I VIVIDLY SEE MYSELF DANCING, SMILING AND LAUGHING JOYOUSLY AT MY TWO YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER’S WEDDING! I WILL TAKE ALL MY DREADFUL THOUGHTS AND FEARS AND TOSS THEM TO THE WINDS.

CANCER IS NOT THE ENEMY. “FEAR” IS MY GREATEST FOE! THE RAVAGING EFFECTS OF CHEMOTHERAPY ARE NOT MY ENEMY. THE CHEMICAL DRUGS ARE MY LIFELINE PULLING ME THROUGH THE ROUGH WATERS. I WILL NOT DROWN. I WILL KEEP MY HEAD HIGH. I WILL KNOW AND ENRICH MY GRANDCHILDREN.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. I AM TRULY BLESSED. I AM SO LUCKY. I CAN WALK AND TALK. I CAN FEED AND BATHE MYSELF. I CAN THINK. THESE SIMPLE GIFTS BRING ENORMOUS QUALITY TO MY LIFE AND JOY TO MY WORLD. I MUST SEE THE SUBLIME IN THE ORDINARY ALL AROUND ME. AS I SEE THE RADIANCE OF LIFE, THE DARKNESS WITHIN DISSOLVES.

WHAT ONE MAN HAS DONE, ANOTHER CAN DO. I CAN DO THIS! IT HAS BEEN DONE BY SOME. IT IS POSSIBLE. I WILL RELAX, BE STILL FROM DEEP WITHIN, THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BEING. THE QUIET MIND IS OPEN TO WISDOM AND TRUTH. I WILL TAKE A LONG, DEEP BREATH, HOLD IT, AND SLOWLY LET IT GO. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. PEACE WILL OVERCOME ME. I WILL QUIETLY VISUALIZE. THE POTENCY OF MY IMAGERY WILL TURN MY HOPES INTO REALITY. MY THOUGHTS HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE MY DESIRED DESTINY. PERSISTENCE IS MY MANTRA. I WILL SURVIVE. FOCUS. ENDURE!

I AM IN A PROCESS OF SPIRITUAL UNFOLDING. I MUST REMEMBER, WHEN ALL IS CALM, WE STAGNATE. I AM BECOMING MORE THAN I WAS, AND FOR THIS I AM GRATEFUL. THOUGH THIS WINDSTORM IS THE GREATEST CHALLENGE OF MY LIFE, I WILL STARE IT DOWN. I WILL DO MY VERY BEST. I WILL NOT GIVE IN, NEVER GIVE UP. MY HEART “KNOWS” THE TRUTH OF MY FAITH AND IT WILL GUIDE ME THROUGH. I AM NOT BEING TESTED; I AM BEING FORTIFIED. THERE ARE GREAT LESSONS TO BE LEARNED. I MUST NOT LET MY ATTENTION BE DIVERTED.

I MUST BE STRONG FOR THOSE WHO WILL COME AFTER ME AND WITH ME. I WILL MOVE AHEAD WITH MY HEART THOUGH MY HEAD SAYS IT CANNOT BE DONE. I AM HEALING BECAUSE I HAVE CHOSEN TO HEAL. LOVE FILLS MY SOUL. THE MORE I GIVE, THE MORE COMES BACK TO ME. THE POWER TO HEAL LIVES WITHIN ME. I MUST CHOOSE TO TAP INTO IT, NOT TO IGNORE ITS AWESOME FORCE, TO CONTINUALLY CALL UPON IT, TO FIGHT ON, EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY. I MUST REMAIN OPEN TO MIRACLES. THEY ARE THERE FOR THE ASKING!

EVERY THOUGHT IS A PRAYER. EVERY PRAYER IS A POTENTIAL MIRACLE.

I WILL BECOME A MIRACLE …… THIS I KNOW!

7/20/12 I posted this is the THIS IS MY NOW time thread:
July 24th marks my Satori Day. 4 years off of Herceptin -- and stable. NED. That is the date of my last Vitamin H infusion. After 10 years of dutifully going regularly to the chemo room. Keeping a vigil over my body.

The first few years I went weekly. (My onc told me that a study had been done in France finding that giving triple the dosage every 3 weeks was as effective. My fav onc told me this. My Inner Voice piped in. Wait 1 year. To be safe. My husband was totally on board. We will go every week, wait a year, then graduate to every 3 weeks -- if everyone is still alive.)

So now I am free. Living on the outskirts of cancerland. Still connected to my Sisters, bonded for eternity.

Praying for you to join me in this new neighborhood. I tell myself, HEALTHY AND WELL, NO MORE CANCER every single day. Still... Several times a day.

I want my body to hear my explicit instructions. And I want the Universe to take note as well. The power of our thoughts is awesomely mighty. Never forget that, Ladies. I love you all...

Andi
PS -- I had a moment of clarity, a stunning instance of Enlightenment -- the day before my mastectomy -- that totally altered my existence. It enriched my life in remarkable ways and will remain with me forever. It granted me joy and serenity even midst the turmoil my body and mind were experiencing. I KNEW I would survive. My Inner Voice (my Spirit) assured me of that on July 13, 1995 at around 4 o'clock in the afternoon of a most glorious and sun-filled day...
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Andi BB