[JessicaV]

I have found in situations like this it can help to say there is a communication breakdown happening and that I am not comfortable talking to this person, and I really need an oncologist I can communicate with, so I urgently need someone else. You do the broken record thing, don't escalate or get louder or angry, just repeat yourself until they get it.

That way you are saying"This is not working, and I need someone else" without rubbishing the other person, and face is saved. It is also a no-blame position that is hard for anyone to argue with. Even if you have previously bared your soul with more info, you can drop back to this position now if you wish to.

You are the consumer, it is your choice, and your right to get the right person for you without feeling bad about it. It is a gut-feeling thing, often an emotional matter, and you need to be staunch to yourself and not feel you have to justify it.

Here in Australia we have breast care nurses who know the oncologists and surgeons by their work and by what they hear from other patients. And there are senior ward nurses in oncology and in breast surgery. If you rang and made an appointment to see a breast care nurse, and explained about the communication breakdown, and asked advice on who might be easier for you to talk with, who is gentle, respectful very experienced and really good, get several names and interview them.

Alternatively, use the forums. Create a new ID and go onto a number of cancer boards and ask about hospitals, oncologists and surgeons in your area. Then you can keep your safe place here, but still get the info from those who know.

About tests to screen for recurrences. My oncologist, a woman, says that research shows that doing tests does not improve survival rates. She also says that people get so anxious and wound up about having tests and scans it does more harm than good.

I found out that the C15-3 has both false negs (when it appears to be fine but there are metastases) and false positives (indicating a problem when there are no metastases, caused by some other factor). But it often rises significantly if metasteses are present, and shows them at least 6 months before a scan would show them. I told her I would like to have this particular cancer marker monitored so I felt we were keeping a finger on the pulse of what is happening out of sight. She asked what would I do if I had a reading of about 33 given that they see up to 30 as normal. I said I'd discuss it with her. She asked me to promise to tell her if I find myself getting nervous about having the blood test done. She has agreed to monitor this for me because I wanted it and convinced her that I will not be a worrywort about it.

So that is what we are up against: people panic about the tests as they approach them, they worry about test results that don't show any problems, and they end up in a worse state because of the tests.

Which I think is a bit of a cop-out by oncologists.
I think the answer is for oncologists to take responsibility for educating their patients to manage their underlying fears about having cancer that gets triggered at such times, and also to teach them how to make these tests useful not damaging. Or maybe this is a project for a psychologist, and maybe I should be working on it myself.

I do hope you can find the way to be assertive and get what you want without feeling like you are alienating everyone or finding it too hard and too upsetting. It really is a matter of the right person for you, and not every combination works. Be staunch, be persistent, and keep a smile on your face.
best of luck