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You did not have any control over your cancer or chemo, and I feel terrible that you don't have a spouse that "has your back." There are many things to ask yourself. Why are you afraid to have people "mad" at you? Why do you care if you are organized? Is organization a top priority for you or for him? You just might have to readjust your priorities for a while. Why do you feel so much pressure to please him? Are you comforted by sleeping alone? What about you? You want to die sometimes? You would want to die to get away from this? No, what you want to ask God for is the strength to help you make some tough decisions and to pray for peace and solitude, or for a partner who doesn't make you feel so vulnerable.
If you were my sister (and I have 6 of them) I would give you the following advice (be warned, these are tough questions): Who are you? What makes you happy? Why are you in this situation? Is it a temporary situation? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Are there changes that can be made? If we don't make conscious decisions for ourselves, they are made for us. Not making a decision is making a choice. We cannot be a doormat unless we lie down. Even if you don't have the strength now, formulate in your mind how you can make your life better down the road. Be very honest about what you need from you husband and talk this over with him.
Do you have family, friends or a professional that you can talk to? You need to be empowered by someone -- if not family or friends, perhaps there are some books you can read. No one is all good or all bad. You will have to figure out who you are and what you stand for. What are your standards?
We can't get over things until we get through things, and that's where the work is. Those are the tough questions. Please don't misread this post, I'm trying not to preach. I just want you to think differently.
I am a strong person but very thankful that my husband was part of my cancer journey. He will be gone one year on April 9th. One of the things I miss the most about him is how I feel "vulnerable" at times because he always had my back so to speak. We were partners -- equals! I wish that for you! Maybe you can be stronger standing alone. There are many people on this site who are single. It's how you feel. Negativity around you is a big stress. Do you need that?
I truly wish you well and hope you find the strength and support you need. Be well.
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