[tammymarie1971]

I was back in hospital again for 10 days, my blood levels can't seem to stay up and the exhaustion is unbelievable! Since I have been home I go from lazy boy to bed and that is about all. I do manage to get breakfast on the table my husband goes to work late to help me get the kids off to school. stairs are almost impossible to climb. I'm scared...I guess that is what it boils down to...And I feel like a lousy christian for not trusting God for my peace , especially when I am reaching for the ativan! I watched my mom deteriorate from MS when I was a kid and I hate that my kids have to watch me now!! I know that All things work together for good for those who love the Lord...I am just scared at what else is going to be stripped away before the end comes. I am jaundiced as well and my liver functions are way off the charts..I have been dealing with stage 4 since 2004 and I have never been this bad off..I wonder if this all is a reaction to a blocked bile duct which they stented and the tdm-1 and after breezing through many other treatments..tykerb, taxol, vinerolbine, xeloda, all the hormonals, herceptin,carboplatin, and ac. So right now I have tumors in the liver, stomach, and spine...I'm not really sure where I am going with all this I am eating red meat, grapes, chlorphyl, (sp) pineapple, bananas, gatoraide to help with the dehydration from the ugly d...although I am thinking this is my body's way of detoxing also treatment has been delayed 2 weeks hoping for my blood to pick up and then I will get a dose reduction of tdm1...I just hope you guys have some insight I wonder if it is time to call it quits or if that is even my call to make do i keep going as long as the onc is willing to treat.. I have had 4 tdm1 treatments do I wait and see what scans say...do I ask for another chemo to be added or will that make things worse for the blood levels...I feel more than discouraged I have always been the one "doing" now I have to humbly accept help....ARGGGGGGG. Thank you for letting me vent..I have wanted to earlier but the energy to get words down was too daunting...even showering or getting to the bathroom on time (thank goodness for tenas) is a feat! Please any words of wisdom or encouraging stories from experience would be so appreciated... I hate sounding so needy...\thanks again, Tammy