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Michelle, I am so sorry to hear this special day is not special for you. It sounds like your husband is in the escape mode which to me can seem selfish but also very hurt inside. I went though the escape mode with my husband and son. I can tell you its not fun and my heart goes out to you. I struggled for a year with this after being diagnosed, had to reach out to friends, went to support groups, went back to church. I made all my burial arrangements, was cleaning house like mad so another woman wouldn't be taking care of my stuff!! I even got a glamour picture taken of myself to prove to the next woman how beautiful his first wife really was!! My husband was in VA counseling for PTSD had been for two years. One day I called his counseler and told her how things were and she said I will work on it!!! I had a hospice volunteer taking me to treatments, she was wonderful. She told me later when things improved she had never walked into such a cold situation as the first day she came to my house. She said my husband was totally shut down and I thought I was dying!! All I could do was sit on the couch and cry!! On her second visit he walked her to her car and opened up to her crying saying he didn't know what to do, what to say, he was loosing me and he felt he was dying along with me. He told her as long as he was working, didn't see me or hear how I was feeling my illness didn't exist!! She said she went home in tears and talked to her husband saying she didn't know if she could help us. She had done this for 12 years! She called her supervisor. She said it was abvious we loved each other very much but could not reach out to each other!! She would come to my house once a week, call me every day on the phone because she wanted to make sure I was o.k. My husband was angry because he felt his life had fallen apart, now close to retirement, we both wanted to travel, go to camp, he felt he had worked all these years (struggling with PTSD, and Vietnam injuries) for nothing. I was feeling the same way as you I would leave this world and he would get another chance of living all over again with someone else. It didn't help me much that I knew life beyond this one was so much better and heaven was a beautiful place with no pain and sadness. Then things started changing we were able to set and talk he shared with me how his support was helping him. I don't know if he ever knew I called or not. Its important to keep praying. If you could get some counseling perhaps, it would help but then again its costly. To sum it up we are closer now then we have ever been. He is no longer working is on disability and that has helped us both. We can help each other with our medical issues. He has as many doctor appointments as I do. You are fortunte to have a Mom for support. I had no family to help me. I will pray that this turns around for you. I don't fully understand this escape mode but for some people they run away rather then to you. It makes us feel like we are poison!! My son came around also as his father talked to him about running from me and living with survivors guilt!! He was 22 at the time and moved out right after my diagnosed. How do you think that made me feel? Sending you a big wrap around hug, if you need to e-mail me please do, my e-mail is here. If you need someone to talk to send me an e-mail and I will give you my phone number. Sorry this is so long, Sandy
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