[Debbie L.]

It must be so hard to be far away already, and then to have this issue on top of it all -- so sorry you're having to deal with it all.

Your question takes me back. WAY back, to nursing school days in the early '70s. At that time, it was standard of care not to tell patients when they were "terminal" (that was the word used then, you hear it less now, probably because it's such a vague term). There would be heated debates, among family members, among caregivers, etc -- about what was best.

Over time, research and level heads prevailed. First of all, it was proved that the patient almost always knew the truth and was just playing along because they thought it would be easier for their loved ones if they did. The loved ones perhaps rationalized that they were protecting the patient -- but more often, they were really acting more out of their own fear and denial of the truth. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and others were instrumental (both with their writings and teaching, and with evidence) in helping people overcome the fear and engage in open and healing communication about serious illness and death.

None of which helps you, right now. What do you know about the facility where your father is receiving care? Do they have services like hospice or palliative care? Would you feel comfortable talking to your father's provider, and suggesting that hospice, palliative care, or a social worker, speak with the (local) family? Not necessarily at first with your father directly -- but with your mom and sister, who are the ones with the problem (imho). Sometimes they are just so scared that they are frozen, and need only a little bit of support/nudging to realize the best moves.

Good luck, keep us posted. Lots of good thoughts coming your way.

Debbie Laxague