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Dear Michele
I wanted to respond earlier, when I first read your message but I didn't know what to say. I will say that I feel that sometimes men don't know what to do when they can't fix something. My husband fixed every broken thing in our house when I was diagnosed and he put chair railing up and molding around all the breezeways. He bought me a 100 gallon fish tank (because I always wanted one) and investigated it thoroughly to buy one that looked like a piece of furniture. He painted our bedroom and bought a new comforter and curtains (that I don't like but I didn't say anything because it was such a nice gesture on his part) because he thought I would be very sick on chemo. But... he never SAID anything. He worked physically so hard so he didn't have to think or say. He cried once when I told him my pathology was "bad" and that HER2+ was bad but he kept going (and lost weight) so he didn't have to think.
Then, I hit a fork in the road. I had hired a "bad" doctor. I knew this from the beginning - when you do research and really understand your disease and know more than your doctor but your doctor doesn't listen to or respect you - you know its time for a change. And this changed my husband. I think then, when discussing this doctor's inadequacies, my husband really realized that I just might end up okay because I knew what I was doing (this all happened right when I became eligible to begin Herceptin). Then, he went to the doctor with me and Herceptin treatments and interviewed new doctors.
We are almost married 22 years and have had our moments. I think that this is a moment for you. Maybe you need to hit on what you both need from each other.
Our children suffered more than I thought from the cancer too. My middle daughter, who loved me to no end, hates me. I know she really doesn't but I think, for her, subconsciously, it is easier to hate a dead mother than to love a dead mother. I understand this. It is hard on her. She is a senior in high school but really doesn't want to move onto college I think because she thinks she will never see me again. And I am doing well - like you! I guess more time has to pass so I can prove her wrong. I know she goes out with her friends and partys so I ensure they all come to my house instead. I buy all the junk they like to eat so they come here (RB will hate me for buying all those chips and soda for them).
I always hate to say this(that we have to be the ones to change or offer the olive branch first) but.... what does your husband like to do? Can you do that with him - go somewhere he wants. Sometimes that opens up some sort of communication and kinship. Sometimes we have to be the ones to try first. I think its always worth trying to fix a 20 yr old marriage before hanging it up (but then, I don't know if you have been trying for 20 yrs and are now at a major crossroad - if that is the case, then its different). I will also offer the "Dear Abby" response of counseling (but MY HUSBAND would never go if I ever suggested it but I am suggesting it anyway).
Please try to be happy Michele. I have the utmost respect for you and all you have done and accomplished as a cancer patient and advocate (for yourself and others) and I want the beautiful smile on your face to be real and true all the time.
Big hug to you
Love, Becky
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