[BonnieR]

What I hear throughout your message is so out of character for you: fear, defeat, pessimism and I know that is pain talking. It can wear you down like nothing else. So just remember that what you are feeling is the result of outside forces.
Maybe the pain won't be as you anticipate it, maybe things will go smoothly. That's how our Denise would tackle it
I remember being told about a practice in Mindfulness Meditation. It seems counterintuitive but here goes: when in pain, go with it, ride it. I know it sounds very Zen and to be avoided but it somehow works. I don't pretend to be able to appreciate how you feel right now but am just offering thoughts
Can you at least take something for anxiety? Ativan?
In future, if you can't have an ambulance, would some sort of medical transport be available? I don't know that they would be any better than ones own family but maybe they have more comfortable seats?
Mostly I just want to say that I hear your frustration. It can be exhausting keeping up good spirits in the face of such circumstances. But it is all temporary. It won't always be like this . You are a survivor if I've ever seen one. Take it a day at a time and keep the faith