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I understand, through my own lens, what you are writing. I have stopped trying to explain things to others about what I am going through; yes, that is current, not past tense. The earlier years of diagnosis and active treatment are gone, but the daily brushes up against today's events still happen. One of the legacies of this disease for me is complicated by how I typically deal with loss. I have always coped inside by saying, "OK - if I can't have that, I don't want it." While that works fine for material things, it is a rotten approach when it comes to the very important things in life - and life, itself. I confronted the possiblity of suicide during one phase, not being able to cope with everything - and everything included all that you mention, and more - old history about sexual abuse cropped up during radiation when 14 diffferent people were handling me. Touch is the trigger for me; as long as no one touches me, I seem to do all right. Radiation was a HUGE nightmare for me; I cried every day for 7 weeks, and thought about which bridge to jump from. Fortunately, when radiation treatment stopped, I was able to back off those thoughts. What really gets me is when people tell me that it was all really worth it. How do they know? I am still asking myself that question. I feel like I am living life holding my breath, waiting for the next chapter in the cancer saga to rear its ugly head. Meanwhile, I tell myself: I am not dying today. I will live my life now, larger, faster and LOUDER until I find I can't any longer. (I sure have racked up the miles with this philosophy - I've been to NY, NY twice this year, once last year, and to Oberlin several times to visit my niece while she was in school. I've hit up California multiple times within the past year ater my first grandchild entered the world last March. And I camp like a son of a gun, trying to get a jump on the sensation of being ALIVE.) Who knows how long it will last? Only God. That said, what remains insurmountable for me is this deformity - it has altered the way I choose to live life, and I see I have lots of work to do to get past it. I thought others might also be facing similar issues. That web site made me stop and think how many women are running around challenged by body image post mastectomy and yet few people ever know. It seemed like a good idea at the time to post the website address for others who also may be grappling with self esteem and body image issues.
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