[Tom]

My Dearest Maria,

I felt so sad just now when I read your post, but it reminded me of how difficult this disease can be for all those it touches. I have lost many family members and friends over the years to cancer of all types, and will most likely have to deal with it myself soon due to my genetics. I must say that I certainly do not yet know what it's like to be the patient, but I know a lot about being a patient's friend or loved one. I suspect that your family is as confused emotionally as you are right now. Denial on anyone's part can be a coping mechanism for some. Some react by putting some distance emotionally between themselves and the patient. This is normal, though not very helpful, as they are attemtpting to shield themselves from the pain of seeing a loved one threatened by illness. They will all adjust as time goes on. It would be wonderful if everybody did and said exactly the right things during your treatment, but that rarely happens.

Having said all of that, now it's time to worry about you and let everybody else take care of themselves. Try to remember one thing through this period. As odd as this might sound, you are "fortunate" that you developed your cancer when you did. I say that because you are living at a time when you have the best possible chance of beating it completely. The amount of research underway, and treatment options available to you at this moment, are amazing. In the "old days", you might read about some new breakthrough every six months or so, and then never hear any more about it. Today, I find myself needing to look at my usual research sites (www.oncolink.com, www.breastcancer.org, www.her2support.org) several times a day, as there seems to be something new popping up every few hours.

Sheila said it well. Have a family meeting and lay your feelings out on the table. Tell them that you are taking your future into your own hands (at least the part that God will let you control), and would appreciate any support that they might give you. Tell them that you understand it is difficult for them as well, but that it's your life and you cannot take as much time to deal with their problems while you are busy fighting to survive. Most people can be amazingly selfish at the worst possible time, but they don't mean to be.

There is no doubt that you will be depressed from time to time, but recognize that fact and try to move quickly through those moments. I do not know the precise nature of your treatment protocol, but get involved with the day to day decision-making of your doctors. Taking control of your own path will help you regain your emotional balance, and give you a better sense of your future. You must remain calm and clear headed so that you can make intelligent choices about everything from what drugs you receive to what you decide to have for breakfast.

As far as your fear of being abondoned and alone, consider this: Thousands of people view this website every day. Many are reading our posts a few minutes after we type them. We are a family here, and genuinely care about the fate of the others who belong to this "club". YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. Besides all of us, you have your God above, watching over every breath you take. I admit that many times I wondered if He had abandoned me. Then, when you feel that all hope is lost, and you are staring into the abyss, He suddenly appears from the light to soothe the soul, and comfort the breaking heart. He will breathe the life of hope into you, and remind you that He is in control. When the burden of all you are going through seems to be too much to bear, give yourself a break and ask Him to take the ship's wheel for a bit while you rest.

If you feel that a psychologist might help you understand your situation better, then go to one. But choose HER carefully. Try to find one who routinely counsels people dealing with serious illness. You might even find one who has been through it personally. And remember, come to this "trough to drink" as often as you need. There will always be someone here to reach out to, whether it be for advice or simply to share a thought with. There are many wonderful and intelligent people here. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. Take care and God Bless you and your family Maria.

Sincerely,
Tom