Annemarie

BC has made me try to be a more forgiving person. Forgiving yourself is the hardest thing. All the would if's in life- what if I went to the doctor sooner? What if I had such and such treatment rather than the what I chose and so on. I used to beat myself over this and then over the years I learned to let it go.

I also reflect over time and people of the past and friendships I let go because I held grudges. Now after all I have been through it all seems so silly and senseless. I do not want to have bad feelings towards anyone. I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left in this world (and I plan on sticking around for a good while!). I need all my energy to fight my illness. I have learned that people cannot understand or relate to your illness until it becomes personal to them (their family or them). I really do not discuss the details or the testing with too many people. I do not want to burden others with my problems so truthfully my friend does not even know everything I have been through but it would not change things. She feels I was not being her friend and is very hurt. I wrote her a card and apologized and asked for her forgiveness. I feel if she is so hurt the friendship must have been valueable to her. I cannot force people to like me so this is all I can do. She is so angry right now that I cannot ring her bell and try to talk to her. I hope it works out and if it does not I will have to let go of this as well.