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10-22-2005, 07:39 AM

Annemarie - Wow, I am so glad you posted your message! Sometimes you feel all alone until you are made aware of someone's similiar struggle. I am going through something so very similiar and have been trying to work it out myself. The last year has been a roller coaster of surgeries, chemo, radiation, tests, test, more tests, and bad news after bad news. I got through it mostly with my husband's support but there are a few close friends that helped me so much - I love them and wouldn't want to loose their friendship.

Come June I felt like I needed a good breakdown. I was beat and tired of thinking of cancer all the time. But I didn't allow it to happen because my dear friend's father was dying of prostate cancer. This was so very hard for me. I would hear about his struggle from my friend and all I could think about was that I will die a similiar painful way. My thoughts made me feel guilty so I just put everything on the back burner and did what I could for my friend. It was a long hard summer. I wish I hadn't burried all those feelings.

This August my friend's father passed away, my kids went back to school in September, I turned 40 and I was alone. I decided to just go ahead and feel my feelings, shutdown and let it all come through me. By doing so, I chose to separate from my friends. Their struggles didn't seem to warrant my energy. They were upset about annoying lights in their cars, pimples on their noses, weeds in their yard...all the things that I would love to consider my top priority if I wasn't battling a life threatening disease! During this time I cried, slept, and regained some fighting energy. I have slowly tried to explain my shutdown to them. Mostly they don't get it. Mostly they can't relate at all and sometimes their actions or words really hurt.

What I have realized throughout this journey is that there are certain people who I really want to keep close to me. They may not understand, they may not say what I want them to say but those select few make me laugh, bring me flowers, watch my kids, love me the best way they know how. So I don't ask them to understand anymore. I ask them to just be there for when I have enough energy to really enjoy them again and to forgive me for not being there for their struggles. I let them know that I have to fill myself up again by doing things for me (exercise, diet, movies, books, getting my nails done, dinners with my husband, going to my kids sporting events, etc.) which takes a lot of energy because I am also fighting cancer. They are giving me that space without judgement which makes me want to get back in the game with them!

Your friend's struggles are so valid to her and I am sure she needs someone right now. Let her know that you WANT to be there for her and you value her freindship but your tank is low right now. Don't stress, think about what you need to do for yourself. If you are feeling better and recharged a little bit then you will want to be with her and help her. She may need to shutdown herself and after some time she will realize she misses you. If she becomes nothing but negative then you need to turn and run (that takes tooooo much energy to deal with).

Take your space - do what you need to fill up your tank and and keep on fighting!

10-22-2005, 07:39 AM	#6
Unregistered Guest Posts: n/a	Pat in MA Annemarie - Wow, I am so glad you posted your message! Sometimes you feel all alone until you are made aware of someone's similiar struggle. I am going through something so very similiar and have been trying to work it out myself. The last year has been a roller coaster of surgeries, chemo, radiation, tests, test, more tests, and bad news after bad news. I got through it mostly with my husband's support but there are a few close friends that helped me so much - I love them and wouldn't want to loose their friendship. Come June I felt like I needed a good breakdown. I was beat and tired of thinking of cancer all the time. But I didn't allow it to happen because my dear friend's father was dying of prostate cancer. This was so very hard for me. I would hear about his struggle from my friend and all I could think about was that I will die a similiar painful way. My thoughts made me feel guilty so I just put everything on the back burner and did what I could for my friend. It was a long hard summer. I wish I hadn't burried all those feelings. This August my friend's father passed away, my kids went back to school in September, I turned 40 and I was alone. I decided to just go ahead and feel my feelings, shutdown and let it all come through me. By doing so, I chose to separate from my friends. Their struggles didn't seem to warrant my energy. They were upset about annoying lights in their cars, pimples on their noses, weeds in their yard...all the things that I would love to consider my top priority if I wasn't battling a life threatening disease! During this time I cried, slept, and regained some fighting energy. I have slowly tried to explain my shutdown to them. Mostly they don't get it. Mostly they can't relate at all and sometimes their actions or words really hurt. What I have realized throughout this journey is that there are certain people who I really want to keep close to me. They may not understand, they may not say what I want them to say but those select few make me laugh, bring me flowers, watch my kids, love me the best way they know how. So I don't ask them to understand anymore. I ask them to just be there for when I have enough energy to really enjoy them again and to forgive me for not being there for their struggles. I let them know that I have to fill myself up again by doing things for me (exercise, diet, movies, books, getting my nails done, dinners with my husband, going to my kids sporting events, etc.) which takes a lot of energy because I am also fighting cancer. They are giving me that space without judgement which makes me want to get back in the game with them! Your friend's struggles are so valid to her and I am sure she needs someone right now. Let her know that you WANT to be there for her and you value her freindship but your tank is low right now. Don't stress, think about what you need to do for yourself. If you are feeling better and recharged a little bit then you will want to be with her and help her. She may need to shutdown herself and after some time she will realize she misses you. If she becomes nothing but negative then you need to turn and run (that takes tooooo much energy to deal with). Take your space - do what you need to fill up your tank and and keep on fighting!