Ritacbarker@hotmail.com
Hi: I am a friend of Dan and Jeri Floyd's and had ovarian cancer, stage 3 C and also have an adopted daughter from China. I am a one year survivor at this time. What I thought were 2 medium ovarian cysts, turned out to be hugh cancerous tumors, with spreading to my liver and diaphram. I woke up with 40 staples and looking at 6 months of rigerous chemotherapy. My first thoughts were that my adopted daughter could not lose a mother twice; and that no matter what it took, I would prevail and live to see her grow up.
I stayed away from the internet. First of all I was too sick at the time to do much reading and there was so much conflicting medical advice. Secondly, the percentage of woman who don't get much of a remission was about 50% and I didn't want to focus on that. I was at M.D. Anderson in Houston, Texas and felt overwhelmed by all the treatment options. I decided to take the standard treatment since my cells were "garden variety" and save the scortched earth treatment in the event that the surgery and months of chemo were not enough. I truly believe that your attitude and how you "vision" yourself have a lot to do with your outcome. I meditated and stayed completely focused on getting from one day to the next day and living in that one moment of time. My chemo made me sick, very sick, and I lost a tremendous amount of weight on a frame that didn't have a lot to lose to begin with. I empowered my daughter (she was 8 at the time) with most basic information. What cancer is, what my treatment would be about and how it would affect me. I took her picture and her laughter and lots of trinkets...special bracelets, cards and music to each treatment. I allowed my friends to help in a way that they felt comfortable. Some made dinner, others came with me to Chemo, others drove car pool etc....I found comfort and strength in my close friendships as opposed to joining a support group. I had a wonderful, wonderful doctor who not only took me through the medical aspects of the disease, but helped me deal with the personal toll...my partner ( fiance) at the time, left me after I went into remission. I felt confused about myself as a sexual being since I was only 47 and was going through full blown menopause and chemotherapy at the same time. When I went into remission I still faced menopause and how to deal with that, and learned that I had to accept it and continue to move forward...I had a wonderful woman therapist that dealt with death and illness and she provided me with safe passage through the changes that were occuring. As for whether or not you did your daughter a disservice..that is assuming that you will not have a good outcome, and in no way have you done her a disservice. Through this experience you have a chance to raise a more compassionate and empathetic child. I truly came to believe that I was not led to China to adopt a baby, only to leave her at age 8. Not only that, but my husband and I were divorced...double whammy. There is nothing more terrifying about the disease than that thought and I layed awake, some nights too afraid to shut my eyes thinking that I might die in my sleep...but I slowly began looking for omens..the "signs" that led me to China to lead me through and give me hope. I realized that her life would go on and that while it might not be what I had dreamed of giving her, it was still a better future, filled with love and opportunity that she would not have had otherwise. Don't spend a lot of time thinking that she would have been better with a "healthy" mother...that wasn't her intended Karma..she got YOU and she is a survivor and she will teach you how to be one too. I found talking with the nurse practitioner in my doctor's office very very helpful. They filled in blanks about things that I might not have discussed with him. I found a doctor that made me feel like we were on a team instead of him calling all the shots. I talked with him about not only my medical issues and outcomes, but my personal issues also...I allowed myself to feel the rage, anger, disappointment and fear that comes with having cancer so that I could put it all in my "grief pot" and make room for the gratitude that I now experience. I wish you strength and courage..you have more than you know. I truly believe that your belief in yourself is your greatest tool.