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Dear Rose -
Glad to see you visit the board again. Seems not enough time has passed to allow the kind of healing that you really need. Not only the length of time, but the actual time to take out of what life hands you on a daily basis to face all those emotions and ride through them so that YOU can do a better job for your self.
Like Lolly says, sometimes we have to move forward in little baby steps, but the main thing is to take them each day, no slacking. Lord knows I had a hard enough time without the major losses you have suffered, and I had to do a lot of "inner work" to get to where I am now with this disease and what I can do in life. It was not until I faced all my fears that I could lighten that load and turn that energy to doing some good for me and my family.
This is all rather abstract advice, but I would hate to see you back in treatment for not taking better care of yourself during this wretched time. It is not easy to rise up from such blows, but I feel you have it in you.
It is not easy to "talk tough" to ones self, but sometimes we won't listen to anyone else. These changes must come from within.
May blessings come your way and the light begin to dawn.
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