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I totally relate to these women whom the family depends on.
Over a period of years during the late 80's and 90's it became my role to be caretaker of all the elderly Grande Dames on both sides of our family. My mother-in-law died in our home. I had to run hospices from one end of the country to the other. ("YOU know how to do this - please come and help.")
SO, when it looked like MY life was threatened, this was a big shock to everyone. They hardly knew how to respond to my situation. I was the LAST person anyone expected to have to deal with a very aggressive form of cancer. I did a lot of bulk e-mailing with details of my progress and how I was doing. This would clear the air and I would get many responses. It seems people (yes, even close family) are afraid to ask, so when they were reached out to they felt more comfortable in coming forward to me. Again - "knowledge is power," and not just for the cancer patient.
This boils down to forcing an access to a place in anyone that they never go to. When a seemingly strong-in-every-way person brushes closely with death, family and friend's own mortality looms large in their face.
Ancient archetypes are broken, things go upside down - husbands are supposed to die before the wives. Mom's live almost forever. The horrible message for the others is that they will have to go on somehow if we succomb to our disease. Asking my loved ones to help me in my fight in ways that made them feel positive has helped us all. Husbands are difficult not to panic, whether they show it or not. This takes a lot of work on both sides. (Feeling more fatigue, a new pain can send them into a tizzy.)
Fortunately, I was pretty independant and still was able to do things with the grandsons who got used to a grandma who wore a scarf or hat all the time for over 2 years. They lost their other grandpa to lung cancer at the age of 62 around the time of my dx, and were VERY afraid for me.
Periods of feeling worn down are normal, and should be used as a chance for hunkering down and gathering strength again. This is when you ask for a little more help and peace and quiet, with the emphasis that you are not getting worse, just need a chance to recoup a little. Hopefully, all will understand.
While in the thick of the battle, it is hard to see a successful finish, but it is there. Do something nice for yourself, and tell the others that this is their "gift" to your healing.
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