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Dear Nikki,
Sounds like you are having a hell of a time. First of all, I think you look great and shouldn't be embarassed to go to the beach, (from your previous post)or compare yourself to others! We all know the feeling of being down, in fact, I don't think there is one person on this board who couldn't teach a course on it.
We are not religious but do find strength in love of family and in continuing to "normalize" our day-to-day lives. There are many things that brought us happiness pre-B.C. that we have lost. Some are lost forever yet most are not. Try to focus on changing what you can, not mourning what is gone or things you can't change.
On a clinical side, if you are not on anti-depressants, consider asking your onc for some. Ativan is good for accute attacks.
Please work on the positive, remember that your are not the only soldier in the war and focus on family.
I saw the picture of your son and all I can say is: "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree".
All the best,
Al
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