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Hi Nikki, I am so sorry to hear about the way your biological mother is treating you. It feels horrible, I know. There has been a time when my mother rejected me too. I didn't speak to her for two years. But later I learned that she had been an incest victim as a child. That made things more understandable, even though I still thought her behavior was unacceptable.
I think your mother gave you to your grandparents because in her heart of hearts she knew that she wasn't able to take care of you. That may have been the kindest thing she ever did to you. She gave you the chance to have a warm, caring home.
Even though she is behaving in this unbelievably cruel way, she may be feeling guilty, and this may be her inadequate way of dealing with her guilt.
There is nothing you can do for her, I think. She has buried her problems so deep, that she isn't able to help herself, let alone help anyone else. The anger she is expressing towards you is immense. It may be her way of saying: I can't help you. She is in bigger trouble than you are.
At least you have the ability to acknowledge your feelings, talk about them, share them with others. Yes, I know it's very very hard to deal with this. I've been there. But I managed to put it behind me. With help from friends, therapy and time passing.
Now that you no longer have your grandparents around, who could have helped you through this period of dealing with breastcancer, you need to find other to help you. A support group, councelling, therapy, whatever. This is too big to deal with all by yourself and you don't want to burden your son with this.
by the way: my sons are slightly dark skinned too. Don't you think your son looks great?
You deserve all the support you can get. You've been through some terrible things and nobody should suffer alone. Ask for help. And pamper yourself. You've been very strong and you sound like a wonderful mother.
A big, warm hug from me for you,
Jacqueline
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