Yanyan...
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I
totally understand...
I get what you're saying...
I hear the pain and uncertainty in every word.
I 'live' in that very same place a lot of the time lately. It's hard not to.
Friend...you are NOT whining. You have very real concerns.
You have stage IV cancer...not a cold or the flu.
Heck! What we're dealing with even outranks most of the things they advertise drugs on TV for!
I'd love to "worry" about a bad case of erectile dysfunction or overactive bladder instead of dying from BC for a day or two...how 'bout you?!
You voice whatever comes to mind about your health! It's important!
And, you are always 100% right about what you're feeling...
you have absolutely no need to apologize for any of it!
What you're dealing with SUCKS!
It's unfair.
It's terrifying.
It eats away at your strength, your confidence, and your spirit.
And, worst of all, it scares your daughter.
I've been in and out of the full time work force a couple of times during this nightmare. I did not work at all during chemo or radiation (I'm a teacher, and missing days sporadically would have been too disruptive for the kids.) I returned to work full time after my brain mets got zapped...foolishly, I thought my life might return to normal...hahaha...silly me. I'm not working again now...again with the sporadic absence thing.
At first, not being able to work made me sad. I love teaching. But gradually I've come to realize that my full time job right now is...not dying.
Fortunately for me, my school district carries long-term disability insurance for me. It's not my full salary, but it helps...a LOT.
I'm thinking now about looking into SS benefits too. I guess there's always a chance I can return to the classroom...but I'm not even sure I would...if I could.
Relaxing, and enjoying the time I have left (decades of it, I hope) doesn't sound so bad to me.
And, yes...I do think that when it's time to stop treatment, we know it. I know my Mom and Dad both did. But I don't feel like either one of us is there yet.
We both have people (our children) who are counting on us to struggle through the lastest hurdles...and come out strong on the other side.
And we will.
You don't start out at 3c like we did...jump to stage 4...fight like hell...and then throw in the towel without MAJOR kicking and screaming!!
Hang in there. Focus on today. Be kind to yourself!
And, hound your medical team until they find answers that satisfy YOU.
Sending prayers and a big hug your way...
Denise