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Re: Venting and hopefully someone understands or feels my pain.
We all have our moments. I am told by so many that I inspire them, and I may. But I know that behind my closed doors I have had some serious boohoo moments, moments of despair, sadness, anger and I even wanted to throw the towel in a couple of times and said "God, take me now". But those moments get further and further apart as you go through the journey. I had the help of a weekly therapy appointment. I don't know how anyone can go through this without therapy...honestly. I still see her to this day every two weeks because, yes, I still get moments. I think I always will. It's just part of the crap that is breast cancer.
Losing my hair was pretty harsh for me. I was known for my long thick red curly locks. I had a mane. But for me, it was all about living right now. I too sat and watched people go about their business and felt like my life was on hold. But you do not lose your membership of being a human being because you have cancer. The day that I stopped feeling this way was the day that a young healthy woman was killed in my area. She was younger than me and left behind twin boys that were not much older than my son. She didn't have cancer, she was totally healthy and just like that she was gone. So I made a decision that day to live fully until my day comes. I hope you can do the same.
The glorious thing about having cancer is that you are fully aware of your mortality and therefore live differently than those that are have never had cancer. You enjoy things and moments more than they do. I would trade living like this for anything. I love it. Everyday brings something to absorb.
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DX 10/2011
PET Scan + MRI 10/2011
Lumpectomy 11/11/11
Stage 2B +++ ER+(10%), PR+(5%), HER2+++(1 positive node, 1 micromets to second node)
AC started 12/2011 ended 1/2012
Taxol + Herceptin weekly for 12 weeks ended 4/2012
30 zaps of radiation done 6/2012
Tamoxifen 6/2012
every 3 weeks of Herceptin for another year.
Metformin Trial 8/12
10/12 MRI- CLEAR
01/13 BRAIN MRI- CLEAR!
01/13 Neck MRI- CLEAR!
FINISHED HERCEPTIN 1/9/2013...Woot Woot
Starting Walter Reed Vaccine Trial 2/13
CT Scans + ultrasound of abdomen CLEAR-5/13
02/2015 through 11/2015 emergency D&Cs for Tamoxifen induced uterine polyps which caused uncontrollable hemorrhaging
12/2015 blood clot to left leg caused by Tamoxifen. No longer taking it. On Xarelto, a blood thinner
12/2015 Ablation to prevent hemorrhaging from potential issues with Tamoxifen residue in my system
1/2016 continuing journey without hormonal therapy. Reevaluating the option of a hysterectomy and oopherectomy.
4/1/2018 2mm stroke. Yes, stroke! No cause ever found but they believe it was a migraine that went bonkers and created a tiny clot. No deficits. I was back to normal with 24hrs. Now on baby aspirin for life.
7/27/2018 hysterectomy and oopherectomy
01/07/2019 Mastectomy and expanders put in
3/22/2019 Vtach, almost died. Cause unknown.
7/22/2019 New perky boobs put in
7/21/2020 Off of all drugs but a baby aspirin because of the stroke in 2018.
www.mychemobag.org
www.facebook.com/mychemobag
8 YEARS NED
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