[Debbie L.]

Linn, reading your post I hear you alternate between saying the truth about what sucks, and then saying "but I should be, I want to be -- positive, grateful, wise, whatever".

So. I agree with Jacqueline. This time of the treatment continuum does have a lot of sucky parts. We hear you. Most of us nod our heads to some if not all of your frustrations, disappointments, impatiences, and angers. You've been thru a lot, you've experienced great losses. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself.

I think it's enough to expect that eventually you will work thru this and find some of the things you hope for, at least some of the time -- gratitude, peace, etc.

But right now, you're being awfully hard on yourself, as if you think that you should be magically turned into this new kind of person who has had her life seriously altered but (waving magic wand) -- poof -- has emerged triumphant. Well it just doesn't work that way (alas). Each person does it a little differently but no one does in "poof" fashion. There will be steps forward but also steps back. I remember that during this turbulent time, I coined the phrase "go with the torrent", because although I'd always loved the phrase "go with the flow", it just didn't capture what was happening with me well enough.

Sending lots of good thoughts, and hoping that you can find a way to work thru this, and be gentle with yourself.

Debbie Laxague