[Laurel]

Flori,

Well, Flori, there is NOTHING nutty about seeking H-O-P-E. Who can blame you for being tempted by the hope of a "normal" life, one where your future seems assured. Who can blame you for pursuing the elusive cure? I sincerely hope YOU will not blame yourself for being all too human.

Your update with its sad news was beautifully written. It permitted me to see into the world of Stage IV survival. I so appreciated your your eloquent words:

Despite my skeptical feelings, at the same time I allowed myself the feelings of being part of a cure, of history in the making! I began to remember what it was like to dream big dreams. To fully embrace my future, to feel part of a level playing field – same as all my other middle aged friends who lived life somewhat carefree, as if they would live to be 100!

I could see how narrow my dreams had become, I could see just how difficult my life at Cheers had been, infusions every three weeks for the past 5 ½ years. I thought about a cancer cure, and about how many businesses would cease to exist, how a simple cure would take down a billion dollar industry. I worried about my doctors and nurses, what would they do to recreate their careers, which are all focused on patients in treatment, especially stage 4 patients? In a weird way, I felt the weight of a cure, coming at me all at once. I was alone in NYC, in an enhanced state of fear and exhilaration.

As difficult as this new reality is I do believe you will find NED again, Flori. Adjusting once more to the Tykerb is a trial, but you will overcome. Thank you for sharing your magnificent post. It was really so well written you had me from the beginning, hanging on each word lost in your confession of having stepped from the security of a plan that was "working' into a clinical trial seeking a cure, sadder, wiser, chagrined. It was so brutally honest, Flori. I admire your transparency.

While I am sorry you are posting again under these difficult circumstances, I am happy to be able to enjoy your insightful, compassionate, and delightfully witty posts. Welcome home.