[CoolBreeze]

I am not sure the principal has much to say about it. Principals have a lot less authority than people think. HR has their rules and they usually need to be followed. I don't have to go back to February 17th, and I'm thinking what I'll try is to start back February 5th half days and then work up to it. If my doctor writes it up that way, they have to do it.

I'm not physically ready but will I ever be? I'll be on chemo for the rest of my life, the next one is Xyloda, as soon as I'm completely recovered from c-diff. (Still have stomach pain). So, if I want to work, there are some pains and problems I'm going to have to put up with.

I have been struggling so hard with this decision. If I didn't have to be there so early in the morning it would be so much easier, but 7:00 a.m. is too early for my stiff and painful body, especially when it's cold.

But, I had an oncologist appointment Wednesday in which I discussed this with my doctor (he said what I knew he'd say, "there is no medical reason for you not to go back but I'll write you out if you don't feel well enough." ) and as I walked through the waiting room to leave, I saw a kid out of the corner of my eye. I glanced at her and thought, "That's a student from my school." and then though, that's not possible in an oncology office. I glanced at her sweatshirt and it wasn't a school shirt and I kept walking when she said hi. I looked up fully at her, and it was my coworkers TA, and I see her and chat with her daily. And with her was a boy who used to like to come in and play with a paperweight I had on my desk. It said, 'Keep calm and carry on" and he would start to walk by my office and say, "Keep calm!" and I" say, "carry on!" Silly stuff.

But, there these kids were, sitting in my oncologists office, while I was trying to decide what to do.

I don't believe in signs but I guess I do because it seemed like the universe was telling me to go back to work - there the kids were, kids I knew.

So, I have made the decision to try to go back and I need to talk to my sub about a return date and easing in to it. I emailed her today.

I have been setting my alarm to get up earlier and earlier but it's not successful. I set it for 8:30 today and didn't hear it even until 9:00 then pushed the snooze button until 9:30. Then it took me 3 minutes to haul myself up to the side of the bed and put weight on my knees. (I am suffering from estrogen withdrawel too). My stomach takes a while to settle in the morning but THAT, at least, is getting better weekly.

So, I guess I made a decision, in that I will try. If I can't do it then I will have given it an honest go. The one problem with that is if I apply for SSI disability, I could have gone back 49 days since I've been office. If I go back to work the clock starts over and you have to wait six months for your money. It will be very hard to go six months with nothing but we were only going to cut it by a month so I guess it shouldn't matter too much.