[CoolBreeze]

I'm not depressed - not at all. I've been enjoying my days scrapbooking. I can't put into words what c-diff did to me, but it wasn't depress me. Okay, that's not entirely true, I was a bit depressed immediately out of the hospital, but thinking deeper, I don't think depress is the right word. It was more fear than depression, I think. I was afraid of losing my colon, afraid of dying right then, afraid of this disease coming back and dying lying in my own sh*t.

I guess it made me face my mortality in a way I hadn't before, even when told I was metastatic. I knew I was going to die of course, but I always had lots of hope. I still do, but now I have a glimpse of decline. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It isn't depression, it is just deep down, bone knowledge that life is very fragile - MY life is very fragine. In an instant, you can be near death, as I was - in a very unpleasant way. And, nobody can help you. (Of course, people did help me but it didn't feel like it for a while).

I love my job, it's true. I hate getting up in the morning and it wrecks my day and every day after work, even when healthy, I have to sleep. I've never been a morning person. If I could work different hours, it'd be perfect.

I ALSO love being home but I'm quite undisciplined. I should be writing a book, or at least an ebook to sell on the blog, or organizing the house or cleaning. All those things need to be done. I'm doing a bit of scrapbooking but mostly reading. I am a good reader, I can sit all day. I read a book every single day.

My health is not good enough to go back no matter what, but maybe it will be by February 1st. Or, maybe I'll just be a sick person and won't heal all the way, ever.

What is best for me?
What is best for my son?
What is best for my family?

Is it money? Possibly since I'm not healthy enough to go on field trips or do the "mom" stuff I used to do and can't clean the house well as have zero strength. If I can go to work, that might be better than being at at-home mom.

If I don't go, I'll miss the people I work with. I have no friends that live in my town so my workmates are my socialization. Everybody else has moved and while I keep up, it's online and not the same. But, I'll get enough sleep.

And, of course, the money and the college and all the other stuff I mentioned. If I quit - will we ever get a vacation? We've only had three in 14 years......

I suppose this is all premature. I'll revisit it at the end of January because if my health is no better, it's a moot point. I am clearly not near death's door and I am able to do simple things, but even doing a big grocery shop is beyond me, I'm not strong enough. I have the "responsibility gene" and I feel like I need to give my work an indication of what is going to happen. If they need to hire somebody, I shouldn't wait until the last second.

So, we shall see. It's hard.

I do thank you all for your great and varied advice. It's wonderful to be able to see things from all sides and hear ideas you never thought about.