[CoolBreeze]

Having down days is very normal and don't beat yourself up for it, we all do it.

Here is my trick for trying to get over it - I think, "What if this IS my last New Year's Eve? Do I want to be sitting around, worrying about my death as the ball drops to 2012, or do I want to be celebrating seeing this upcoming year?" Look around at the people you are with - be in the moment and choose to find happiness.

I think, "What if it's not my last New Year's Eve? Then I will have wasted this one by worrying - am I going to worry next year too? And, the year after that? Will I never enjoy a New Year's again because of my mental state?"

Not me. I'm going to celebrate making it, not worry about not making it to the next one.

The truth is, we do have control of our thoughts and emotions. You can push negative thoughts away for a later time and be in the moment, enjoying yourself with your family.

I know you are newly diagnosed and that's the hardest time - it's the most shocking. You don't know much and you think the worst. I think I thought more about dying when I was originally dx'd stage II than two years later when I was dx''d stage IV. But, you'll get over it - sometimes, you have to force yourself though.

As for feeling good: I've been on chemo continuously for about two years now including the regimen you are doing, and I have had lots of great days - many more great days than bad days - in fact, almost all of them I felt fine. I can't even come up with a bad day. I never had any nausea, or major problems and I worked throughout. I got tired when my reds go low, but that can be dealt with, (and my onc does a transfusion at 8.5 which I love!) and it's not the kind of tired where you can't get out of bed or do anything. You can live a full life on chemo.

You don't lose your hair with all of them, by the way. I have a full head now. But, you will lose it on TCH.

You can plan. On days you are tired - say your reds are low, read a great book. Some days I had plenty of energy - clean the house and make extra casseroles for the times you are tired. Some nights, all alone, I confess, I felt a bit depressed and sorry for myself. That's what ativan is for and it doesn't last long.

Always hold on to some hope - that you can get well, that there will be a cure. I did the liver resection to give myself a shot at living and also to give myself hope that I can see my son go off to college, see my other son get married, etc. I read that some people get 10 plus years after resection! Some are cured! Making the decision to cut out half my liver was not easy but hope is important, so find stories of hope.

You can't live without hope, so right now, concentrate on all the positive stories you find - new treatments, people who have lived years with mets, (I know one lady I have an email correspondence with who is on her 20th year now and is a famous published author, and I personally have a friend who is on year 11 and is NED - hers spread to her brain! I know women with liver mets who are NED after six years (no resections) You won't find all those stories in the medical stuff online so you find them on forums, support groups, etc. Concentrate on those and not the scary ones. There is no reason you can't have a good outcome too.

It's important, I think, to fill your brain with positive thoughts and positive stories. It may not cure you but it will make your life with cancer easier.

None of it is as bad as your imagination. Learn how to handle the side effects of your chemos and buy the stuff you need ahead of time, and make a plan. For example, l-glutamine has been studied for neuropathy with promising results. I tried it, and it worked for me. So, make that part of your chemo days. I also am a firm believer in drinking lots of water, as I said before, so buy water as I mentioned or buy a brita filter so you can keep track of your intake. Eating properly on your chemo is a must because constipation is the main SE. You don't want chemo constipation! So, buy your high fiber foods and control that, but also keep a cupcake in there too.

When I was bald, I couldn't stand a wig so I wore scarves. I pretended it was in an experiment and paid attention to who noticed, who treated me different, etc. Almost nobody is the answer, people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice you. But, you may be surprised how friends come through and help, people you never expected! My coworkers were amazing!

Okay, sorry, I didn't meant to write a dissertation on cancer. I hope some of it makes you feel better and I didn't over-step. The key is, you don't have control over cancer but you do have control over how you choose to react to having cancer, both with what you can put into your body to help you deall with chemo and with your emotions.

And, having some control is better than having none and feeling like you are spinning, IMO.

I always acknowledge the reality. I have a fatal disease. But, maybe I'll be the lucky one who gets decades. If I don't, I don't want to spend it worrying. I want to spend it enjoying my family and doing the best I can.



Good luck to you and *big hugs*