[Ruth]

The fear you feel is totally normal and follows us as we pray for our children to grow up so we can be part of it. I remember rocking her to sleep when I was first diagnosed over 8 years ago crying and begging to live long enough that she would remember me. Not just remember a familiar smell or some flickering in her mind of deja vu but a concrete memory of me loving her, holding her and her remembering what it was like to have me around. I know I am so blessed to be here having these moments. I honestly had a sigh of relief when Emma turned 9. I know she knows me and no matter what happens now I feel that it is OK. You will be here too with your Emma and she will have these special memories with you. Treatments have improved so much the last 20 years that I fully expect many, many stage 4 ladies being around over 10 years and NED. Having so many positive lymph nodes is scary...ugh the looks I got from people when I told them...like "oh my she needs to plan for the end" it was terrifying. I got to the point where I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I told myself I was going to survive this no matter what I had to do, how my life needed to change or what terrible nasty foods (seaweed soup...that was the nastiest of all nasty I ate LOL). Of course the MAJOR help was Herceptin. Saved my life. When I started on it, we didn't know it was that great. I wasn't even on a trial but my oncologist treated me aggressively and had a feeling this was some good stuff. The buzz was there in oncology circles just not out in public yet.
Please message me anytime if your scared or have questions. It's all normal to feel this way. To some extent you always will have worries and fears. I still hate going to any Dr and my blood pressure rises along with the visit. It gets better and you will make it!!!
Hugs ~ Ruth