HER2 Support Group Forums - View Single Post - survivor dating a man who lost a fiancee to BC

Jean · 01-26-2010, 01:47 AM

Without knowing how involved your relationship is
or at what stage your relationship is (there are so many stages to in relationships). Are you sure that the guilt you are feeling is guilt? Or could it be you are feeling you are competing with his fiancée?

Maybe his running out of memory for her is bothering you in some way. You are and should be very happy to be alive each day not guilty. Guilt is a waste of time,
especially after surviving breast cancer. If nothing else, a bout with breast cancer teaches us to enjoy each moment.

Let's face it, there will always be something to remind him of his past love...it doesn't just have to be cancer.
There are dozens of memories that he carries.

You mention that you want him to be happy that you survived, "but he is pained by his loss"....

He began running because of his fiancé passing from cancer and his running is a statement for a cure for all women and men who are dx. with this ugly disease. Like him you are running to make a statement, you want to do something about this terrible disease.

It is sad if you are fighting a ghost of a woman and you feel guilty....After surviving breast cancer each day is gift....to be able to say I have survived breast cancer, and run 100 miles....it doesn't get any better!!!

Be happy you have earned it....maybe it isn't you at all,
maybe DJ just doesn't demonstrate to you how important you are. Try speaking with him about these feelings. Does he support you and give you the recognition, attention and love of the woman in his life today? Without knowing where both of you are in your relationship it is impossible to say. You do mention you just starting dating, maybe you have more feelings and he is not returning them or maybe he is just not filling your needs?

These are the important questions. Is it really guilt you are feeling or just that he is not able to meet your needs?

You both need to have a serious discussion. After five years NED....and all you have accomplished....you are wearing golden sneakers....enjoy life. There is no room for guilt.

Best Wishes,
Jean

01-26-2010, 01:47 AM	#5
Jean Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 3,154	Re: survivor dating a man who lost a fiancee to BC Without knowing how involved your relationship is or at what stage your relationship is (there are so many stages to in relationships). Are you sure that the guilt you are feeling is guilt? Or could it be you are feeling you are competing with his fiancée? Maybe his running out of memory for her is bothering you in some way. You are and should be very happy to be alive each day not guilty. Guilt is a waste of time, especially after surviving breast cancer. If nothing else, a bout with breast cancer teaches us to enjoy each moment. Let's face it, there will always be something to remind him of his past love...it doesn't just have to be cancer. There are dozens of memories that he carries. You mention that you want him to be happy that you survived, "but he is pained by his loss".... He began running because of his fiancé passing from cancer and his running is a statement for a cure for all women and men who are dx. with this ugly disease. Like him you are running to make a statement, you want to do something about this terrible disease. It is sad if you are fighting a ghost of a woman and you feel guilty....After surviving breast cancer each day is gift....to be able to say I have survived breast cancer, and run 100 miles....it doesn't get any better!!! Be happy you have earned it....maybe it isn't you at all, maybe DJ just doesn't demonstrate to you how important you are. Try speaking with him about these feelings. Does he support you and give you the recognition, attention and love of the woman in his life today? Without knowing where both of you are in your relationship it is impossible to say. You do mention you just starting dating, maybe you have more feelings and he is not returning them or maybe he is just not filling your needs? These are the important questions. Is it really guilt you are feeling or just that he is not able to meet your needs? You both need to have a serious discussion. After five years NED....and all you have accomplished....you are wearing golden sneakers....enjoy life. There is no room for guilt. Best Wishes, Jean __________________ Stage 1, Grade 1, 3/30/05 Lumpectomy 4/15/05 - 6MM IDC Node Neg. (Sentinel node) ER+ 90% / PR-, Her2+++ by FISH Ki-67 40% Arimidex 5/05 Radiation 32 trt, 5/30/05 Oncotype DX test 4/17/06, 31% high risk TOPO 11 neg. 4/06 Stopped Arimidex 5/06 TCH 5/06, 6 treatments Herceptin 5/06 - for 1 yr. 9/06 Completed chemo Started Femara Sept. 2006 Last edited by Jean; 01-26-2010 at 04:35 AM..