[islandgirl]

Hi there: It is an odd 'graduation', isn't it? When I finished 3 months of taxol in August, I'd anticipated a euphoric, celebratory moment. Instead, I was fraught with anxiety and grief. I happened to pick up that very day (lingering at the cancer education center at the hospital - thinking 'why am I so emotional'?) the book you mentioned by Musa. It was meant to be, as she described so many similar complex emotions following treatment. It was odd, too, to suddenly be seeing my onco every 9 weeks vs. weekly for 3 months. (wishing they'd forwarned me, actually, as it came as kind of a jolt). It sounds like your life has been a veritable volcano what with the sudden illness and death of your husband so close to your health issues. It sounds as if you've barely had time to take a breath and process all this stuff (though it sounds like you're getting good mental health support).

I had never been on a forum/online group before until very recently (had hesitated), however, it is enormously useful to connect with those who are walking my walk, if you will. Life goes on (until it doesn't....) and while I am not defining my life by cancer, it has had an enormous impact on my life and that of my family (my kids were 3 and 7 when I was first diagnosed and now are 10 and 14). As my 14 year old shouted to me during chemo this summer "Quit acting like everything is normal". Point taken. It's not and I consider it a spoke in a wheel (perhaps many spokes for a while) and that at the center of that wheel if a golden, immutable place where I am who I am, without (or with..), cancer, surgeries, protheses, hot flashes, depression, grief. It is a part, but not the whole. There's a whole lot out there besides the health journey and I am hoping I'm able to extract something positive from this very intense ride. Take care.

Islandgirl