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Chelee · 12-12-2009, 04:33 PM

This is a very sensitive subject but one I must say I totally agree with Sherry on. Since I was dx almost 4 yrs ago this is something that has bothered me many times. I know life is for the living but when I see someone bury their spouse/significant other that they loved so completely and within a months time they have already moved on with someone new. It makes me think that in "some" (not all) cases that person already had someone on the side just waiting for the day their spouse passed away. In fact I know of one instance that this poor woman that had battled bc and ovarian cancer for 8 yrs had a bad feeling her husband of 30 plus yrs was cheating on her. Low and behold she was right. The husband had been having an affair with the nurse that was SUPPOSE to be caring for his wife. When the husband & nurse was confronted...they both apologized to the wife but said "We are sorry...but we thought you were going to die". (Gee...thanks alot!!!) I really don't believe that is such an isolated case either. I bet it happens more times then not. JMHO

I really do believe in "time" people need to move on...and if that involves finding someone new that's wonderful. But I have just seen so much the last 4 yrs how much someone deeply loves their significant other & they don't know how they will go on without them when they are gone. But in a couple weeks to a months time they already have someone...how is the possible? Long before I was dx with bc my brother had a friend who's wife had been battling cancer for years. My brother use to joke that his friend Dave was always talking to ALL the ladies. (I'd say he's married....shame on him.) My brother said since his wife is going to die he is just keeping all his options open. Then he'd laugh. I don't find that funny at all. This is a very sore subject to me...it has always bothered me. I would want my husband to move on and find someone to be happy with...but I would be rolling over in my grave if he came to the funeral with his NEW gal pal. I want him to be happy but he could at least wait till my body is cold.

Sherry we think alike because the caregiver comment is another one I totally agree with you about. I've been "both". I've been the bc patient fighting this darned disease...and I've been a caregiver TWICE in my life for two very serious illnesses. My sister with liver disease which passed away. Then a caregiver for my mother with advanced lung cancer which passed away. They both new they were on borrowed time...so was it harder on me or them. Sorry...but I say THEM. Was it easy on me...not even...that was one of the hardest things I did...but they were actually facing their death and they both knew it. As a caregiver as hard as it was for me I knew I was still going to be here...so why we continue to hear it's harder on the caregiver then the patients I do not understand? I've done both and would rather no one have to experience either of these situations. Life is for the living...move on and be happy...I'm all for it. I think what bothers me the most is many times it looks like that person left behind was looking for someone new long before their spouse even passed away? (Even if it's not true...sure makes me wonder at times.)

Chelee

12-12-2009, 04:33 PM	#10
Chelee Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Southern, CA Posts: 2,511	Re: OK my opinion...Like it or not This is a very sensitive subject but one I must say I totally agree with Sherry on. Since I was dx almost 4 yrs ago this is something that has bothered me many times. I know life is for the living but when I see someone bury their spouse/significant other that they loved so completely and within a months time they have already moved on with someone new. It makes me think that in "some" (not all) cases that person already had someone on the side just waiting for the day their spouse passed away. In fact I know of one instance that this poor woman that had battled bc and ovarian cancer for 8 yrs had a bad feeling her husband of 30 plus yrs was cheating on her. Low and behold she was right. The husband had been having an affair with the nurse that was SUPPOSE to be caring for his wife. When the husband & nurse was confronted...they both apologized to the wife but said "We are sorry...but we thought you were going to die". (Gee...thanks alot!!!) I really don't believe that is such an isolated case either. I bet it happens more times then not. JMHO I really do believe in "time" people need to move on...and if that involves finding someone new that's wonderful. But I have just seen so much the last 4 yrs how much someone deeply loves their significant other & they don't know how they will go on without them when they are gone. But in a couple weeks to a months time they already have someone...how is the possible? Long before I was dx with bc my brother had a friend who's wife had been battling cancer for years. My brother use to joke that his friend Dave was always talking to ALL the ladies. (I'd say he's married....shame on him.) My brother said since his wife is going to die he is just keeping all his options open. Then he'd laugh. I don't find that funny at all. This is a very sore subject to me...it has always bothered me. I would want my husband to move on and find someone to be happy with...but I would be rolling over in my grave if he came to the funeral with his NEW gal pal. I want him to be happy but he could at least wait till my body is cold. Sherry we think alike because the caregiver comment is another one I totally agree with you about. I've been "both". I've been the bc patient fighting this darned disease...and I've been a caregiver TWICE in my life for two very serious illnesses. My sister with liver disease which passed away. Then a caregiver for my mother with advanced lung cancer which passed away. They both new they were on borrowed time...so was it harder on me or them. Sorry...but I say THEM. Was it easy on me...not even...that was one of the hardest things I did...but they were actually facing their death and they both knew it. As a caregiver as hard as it was for me I knew I was still going to be here...so why we continue to hear it's harder on the caregiver then the patients I do not understand? I've done both and would rather no one have to experience either of these situations. Life is for the living...move on and be happy...I'm all for it. I think what bothers me the most is many times it looks like that person left behind was looking for someone new long before their spouse even passed away? (Even if it's not true...sure makes me wonder at times.) Chelee __________________ DX: 12-20-05 - Stage IIIA, Her2/Neu, 3+++,Er & Pr weakly positive, 5 of 16 pos nodes. Rt. MRM on 1-3-06 -- No Rads due to compromised lungs. Chemo started 2-7-06 -- TCH - - Finished 6-12-06 Finished yr of wkly herceptin 3-19-07 3-15-07 Lt side prophylactic simple mastectomy. -- Ooph 4-05-07 9-21-09 PET/CT "Recurrence" to Rt. axllia, Rt. femur, ilium. Possible Sacrum & liver? Now stage IV. 9-28-09 Loading dose of Herceptin & started Zometa 9-29-09 Power Port Placement 10-24-09 Mass 6.4 x 4.7 cm on Rt. femur head. 11-19-09 RT. Femur surgery - Rod placed 12-7-09 Navelbine added to Herceptin/Zometa. 3-23-10 Ten days of rads to RT femur. Completed. 4-05-10 Quit Navelbine--Herceptin/Zometa alone. 5-4-10 Appt. with Dr. Slamon to see what is next? Waiting on FISH results from femur biopsy. Results to FISH was unsuccessful--this happens less then 2% of the time. 7-7-10 Recurrence to RT axilla again. Back to UCLA for options. Last edited by Chelee; 12-12-2009 at 04:37 PM.. Reason: Corrected error...