[Sherryg683]

You are not doomed, it may feel that way. But there is always hope. 3 years ago, I just knew I wasn't going to make it very long. Here I am, still NED and feeling great. I am actually back to my old normal self. There are many days when that anxiety hits me and I get terribly depressed. Especially when I look at my young children. The doubts and fears and remember those early days which I call the "black hole". When I start feeling that way, I try to change my train of thought and tell myself.."this is not going to help anything, just waste another perfectly fine day". I have wasted so many days going places that I didn't need to go. So I try to keep busy, having projects, playing tennis and being with my friends and family. I feel if I keep busy, I may out run the beast. I can't tell you it's easy but it doesn't consume EVERY moment of the day anymore. And like Chrissy said , if I do luck out and live another 20 years, I don't want to feel like I wasted them worrying all the time. I want to have some fun dammit! I get up every day, thank God that I have it to live, try to keep the bad thoughts out my head and go out and enjoy myself. I sometimes fail but then then tomorrows another day and I start over again. That's about all we can do, I wish so hard that I didn't have to deal with this. But then there are times when I have such an appreciation for life that it just makes me tingle. I never felt this way before I was sick, I just took things for granted. I do wish I could have learned this lesson another way because cancer sucks big time, but I do feel that I have learned something that most don't until it's too late. If my cancer does come back, I know I will be mortified, but I will have to deal with it like I did originally. Until then though, I am going to try my best to take my life back and be a better person for it...sherryg683