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Marie, I send love and good thoughts and of course I'm wishing that you weren't in a position to ask this question. And as everyone else has said so well - you are not being selfish - you are a wonderful and loving caregiver and Ed is a lucky man.
That said, I agree with Eric. Ask Ed. I don't think this is a one-time question. It's good to keep communication open. It's a reasonable part of a discussion about treatment changes, or a separate discussion when the moment seems right. Maybe Ed has something he'd like to say on this hard topic, or maybe not. But if he does, he may be holding back because he's afraid he'll upset you. And if he does have something to say, of course you want to know that. So ask. Avoiding hard topics doesn't make the hard topic go away, alas. Gentle discussion doesn't make them go away either, but it does bring closeness and clarity to those in the discussion.
In a way, in asking this question and telling Ed your fears (being selfish, grief, etc), you are giving him a gift. A gift of being able to offer support to YOU, who certainly needs and deserves support just as much as he does.
I'm not saying this conversation will be easy. But it will be healing.
Now I'm going to talk about hospice - but I'm not implying that it's time for you and Ed to call hospice - I'm just pointing out one of their strengths. I actually wish that they could talk to all of us, at the very beginning of a cancer diagnosis - not because we're all going to die (although of course, we ALL are dying), but because we all are going to have fears about death and to get them out in the open and realize that talking about them makes things better, not worse - that's something everyone can benefit from.
To me, comfort with the whole topic of death and dying is one of the strengths of hospice. I've talked to so many people who said that hospice helped them with physical care and making their loved one comfortable and that was good - but what was MOST important about hospice was that they had a way of opening up the topic of dying to casual conversation. They acknowledged that elephant in the room (that one, there, under the sofa table). And they did it in such a comforting and matter-of-fact way that all involved felt able to talk about things that had been foremost in their minds, but hidden from each other, before hospice entered the picture.
Ask Ed.
Love,
Debbie Laxague
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