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Joy, I am so appreciative of your honesty. Have you thought about journaling or writing in other ways that could help others dealing with cancer learn how to be clear about their feelings? You have a real talent for expressing yourself in a way that is not at all whiny but neither is it sugar-coated. That honesty and open-heartedness really resonates with readers. At least it does with this reader.
I hope that having this forum as a place where you can be honest, and supported, is of some help.
I don't mean to minimize (at all), the enormous pressures that you are dealing with. It is difficult enough to face hard things when we are feeling well - but to add in fatigue is just so hard.
So (lecture of sort follows)- being in bed a lot with no energy is not what defines being YOU. Being YOU means you are fully "there" for your kids and your loved ones, when you are able. Your loved ones do not value you for your ability to get up and "do things". Your preciousness to them is not in the tasks you accomplish. It has nothing to do with that (although of course, they appreciate those things, when you are able to do them). They value and need you most for your loving presence. If you allow yourself to be distracted with concerns about what you can't do (which alas, you cannot control), you are a little less there for them. I know that it is very easy for me to say and very hard for anyone to do - but I hope that you can try to let go of your regrets about what is not - and focus on what is. What is, in your life, is (I gather from your other posts), a lively and wonderful connection to special children and adults. I encourage you to savor that and to cherish it. Savor it as if it were your last moment to do so (even though it is not). I wish that we could ALL do that - savoring this moment as if it were our last. How rich life would be. But daily stuff does get in the way, for all of us. Still - not a bad thing to strive for.
With love,
Debbie Laxague
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