[chrisy]

Joy, it's big stuff. All of it. I just can't begin to say what I feel about it. I wish we could take a walk out to the end of the street here and look out over Monterey Bay and talk and cry and hug. It really would make it better (I do it regularly)

To me, this paragraph said it all:
[Since last night he has expressed a lot of stress over the uncertainty in his life and I am one of those factors. It is scaring him and yet he says he loves me more than anyone before. I feel the same way. So much so that I want the very best for him. I would be willing to walk away if it made him happier. It would suck, but I can't live happily knowing that I am freaking someone out to the point of greater stress. He doesn't want that. But I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be better for him. He is really down and acting a smidge distant. We want a future together and I want a future period (like all of us). I love him so much and he expressed my feelings exactly when he said that he feels like he is getting closer to me and letting go at the same time. It is a very odd dynamic in a relationship, but for people like us it makes sense.]

This is the suckiest part about cancer, it tries to steal our dreams and hopes and makes us want to push those who love us away (for their own good) just when we most need to have that love - and they most need to give it.

I have the same feelings from time to time - the difference is that since John and I have been married a while, my thoughts go more towards the "oh I hate that John is STUCK with me in this crappy deal". By the way, John does NOT wish he hadn't married me, but we BOTH would prefer I wasn't living with cancer.

But really Joy, both our situations are that of love holding people together through a horrible life circumstance. How can ANYONE live with it? But you know, we learn to live with it as do those who love us because the alternative is to walk away from the most important things. Cancer is the sucky thing, Love is the awesome thing. Awesome is always stronger than sucky.

See, now I am becoming completely incoherent! Sorry, I'm sure that's not very helpful at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems you were drawn into this relationship, as was he, by forces stronger than either of you. Don't second guess that, primal forces of the universe are usually right. That doesn't mean it is stress free, or easy (DUH).

One possibly useful suggestion is to try and hook up with Bill. He is so awesome and I'm not just saying that because I am his #1 fan (watch that generate a lot of competition!)

Also, it seems like there are a lot of other things, besides you (you little troublemaker) that are weighing on Luca. Sure, there is uncertainty and fear around your future, but there is also all the GOOD stuff about you. Maybe you are the only thing keeping him sane, and one of the few things that make him want to get up in the morning and face each new day.

OK, now I REALLY need to go walk by the bay. I'm putting on my tennies right now. I'll talk it over with my friend and we'll both wrap you in loving prayers and ask that your worries and burdens be lifted.

Not that it matters, but I love you more than I can even say.

Hugs,
Chris