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Louise O'Brien · 09-08-2008, 04:25 PM

Carol:

I just caught this threat but you have nailed the very thing I'm going through right now. I'm two years out - my treatment ended five months ago and it has now hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think that when I was going through treatment, I was in "focus mode" - do what you gotta do. So even my friends commented on my "positive" attitude.

It wasn't until it was all over that I crashed and I'm still dealing with it. It didn't help that my sister died in the middle of my treatment and her illness and the stress of dealing with her estate didn't help.

I feel as if I fell into a black hole for two years. My husband and I now refer to that time as "was it before the axe fell or after?"

All I know is that I craved and was desperate for something I could call "normal". I signed up for some acting classes and met a group of people who knew nothing of my health history. I met two wonderful women who I still meet for coffee.

It was liberating to go there for a few evenings each week and just feel like my old self. If they wondered about my very short hair, they never asked.

Then I signed up for another class - and met even more great women and we're still meeting informally.

It wasn't that I wanted to hide what I went through - in fact I've told a few of them. I just didn't want my health history to define who I was.

Now I'm in a play. I headed to an audition - and actually landed a part. I think of where I was two years ago and am so bloody grateful to be where I am.

But I think the defining moment for me occurred in May when my husband and I went to Florida. It wasn't an expensive place but it was on the beach. My first trip since I started treatment 18 months ago. However, next to us was a group of women having a reunion and they were loud, loud, loud. And there was a bar on the beach not far from our unit.

I took a lawn chair out on the beach to watch the sunset one night - and listened to the noise behind me. The bar, the women... and I started to cry. Because it was so damned normal. It was life - all the irritating stuff that would have sent me round the bend "before the axe fell". Except it didn't this time. I was listening to life, in all its irritating wonder and I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy to be a part of it.

So what's my message? Get out there. Find something - a class, a course, a hobby - and maybe find a way to meet some new people. Find a new way to define yourself.

09-08-2008, 04:25 PM	#11
Louise O'Brien Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 75	Carol: I just caught this threat but you have nailed the very thing I'm going through right now. I'm two years out - my treatment ended five months ago and it has now hit me like a ton of bricks. I think that when I was going through treatment, I was in "focus mode" - do what you gotta do. So even my friends commented on my "positive" attitude. It wasn't until it was all over that I crashed and I'm still dealing with it. It didn't help that my sister died in the middle of my treatment and her illness and the stress of dealing with her estate didn't help. I feel as if I fell into a black hole for two years. My husband and I now refer to that time as "was it before the axe fell or after?" All I know is that I craved and was desperate for something I could call "normal". I signed up for some acting classes and met a group of people who knew nothing of my health history. I met two wonderful women who I still meet for coffee. It was liberating to go there for a few evenings each week and just feel like my old self. If they wondered about my very short hair, they never asked. Then I signed up for another class - and met even more great women and we're still meeting informally. It wasn't that I wanted to hide what I went through - in fact I've told a few of them. I just didn't want my health history to define who I was. Now I'm in a play. I headed to an audition - and actually landed a part. I think of where I was two years ago and am so bloody grateful to be where I am. But I think the defining moment for me occurred in May when my husband and I went to Florida. It wasn't an expensive place but it was on the beach. My first trip since I started treatment 18 months ago. However, next to us was a group of women having a reunion and they were loud, loud, loud. And there was a bar on the beach not far from our unit. I took a lawn chair out on the beach to watch the sunset one night - and listened to the noise behind me. The bar, the women... and I started to cry. Because it was so damned normal. It was life - all the irritating stuff that would have sent me round the bend "before the axe fell". Except it didn't this time. I was listening to life, in all its irritating wonder and I couldn't stop crying because I was so happy to be a part of it. So what's my message? Get out there. Find something - a class, a course, a hobby - and maybe find a way to meet some new people. Find a new way to define yourself.