[Becca]

Dear HavahJ, you sound like I often feel. Yes, I keep thinking like it really can't be happening, that I will wake up and everything will be hunky-dory like it used to be. I was always active, so full of plans, busy living life till BC hit, then systemic lupus, then BC mets. I know you are also dealing with MS, and perhaps other heavy factors. I understand to a certain degree how you feel different from many of the others on this site. At times I have too, then the realization that there are many others here, like yourself that are dealing with heavy burdens also comes into my focus. You are weary right now, and no wonder. Yet, you have had success with dealing with the skull met, and there is hope you can deal with the liver mets. I know they are bad, but others have had bad liver mets and are now NED. It is not impossible.

The reality for us is that we have death looming over us. Yet we have the same prognosis as every one else on this planet--we only have today, right now, and We Will All Die. Our minds do evade thoughts of death--otherwise we could not function at all. I believe the Bible, I believe in a resurrection--and prayer helps me to feel more positive. There must be facets in your life that help you to find strength.

HavahJ, I wish I had the answer, why we are dealing with BC mets and autoimmune disease while are best friends are down south on vacation for a month or remodeling the kitchen while we are just thankful to be alive another day. I got in a rut of waking in the night or morning and dwelling on the hard facts of my health (and death). It may sound corny, but I have again started to dwell on what I can be thankful for when I wake. That I slept without too much pain, that I have a snoring husband next to me. Also, each day I try to do something for at least one person--a phone call or card, or even to tell the Walmart checker she did a good job. This may sound Pollyannish to you, but I hope not.

HavahJ, there are others like you who are feeling the pain of this "whole metastactic thing". I read this poem again today--it made me cry. Yet after tears, sometimes there is peace, more strength, more hope.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.