[Andrea Barnett Budin]

So I guess I'm a long timer, and a bit of an old timer, which is a very good thing I've learned. It's all about having more birthdays. And sucking the marrow out of each glorious day, never to be taken for granted, not even when you get to where I am, 12 yrs after orig dx. (Oh yeah there was that episode in '98-'99 that was as close to death as I could imagine.) Then, after 9 mnths of Taxotere, on my knees, with a pleural effusion and a peri-cardial effusion and a tongue that weighed about 50 lbs, I had a 3rd radiologist read my CT scans and say, I don't think what I'm looking at aren't tumors, but rather the dead remains of tumors. Necrotic tissue. Cyst-like. Filled w/fluid. Dare I believe???, I thought...

And I said to one of my (5) oncs, What does that mean?! Slowly, he smiled and said glowingly, Well, I guess we can say -- YOU'RE IN *CAUTIOUS* REMISSION, his hands out, palms up, like TA DA...

I read every spiritual, uplifting book I could find. I ingested them, highlighted and underlined them. My husband and I kept abreast (no pun intended) of everything remotely related to bc, including the discovery of the HER2 gene and the development of Herceptin, which came in handy while it was still in clinical trials and I metastasized throughout my liver. I knew to ask to be tested for HER2. I knew to apply immediately to get in to a clinical trial. And I knew to hold on to my evolving beliefs in the power of our thoughts and the bodymind connection. I was well armed. While being shaken to my core. My prognosis was dire. One nurse who remained in the examination room after the doc left, threw her arms around me, her chest heaving and whispered in my ear -- I'm going to pray for you! My docs now call me a miracle patient. The nurse at the mammography center looks bug-eyed surprised and delighted to see me return each year... I'm going to stick around just to see that expression on her face again and again! It makes me feel gleeful...

In '05 I joined this site, not so much to look for support as to be supportive to those who are on this difficult journey. I feel compelled to give back, to give God lots of reasons to keep me around, to (I know this sounds really weird but...) to fulfill my contract with the Universe, to share the Lessons I've learned for the benefit of all. I know that is my mission in Life and it gives me the deepest joy to serve that purpose! As it turned out, I fell in love with this incredible lifeline for so many, and with the Sisters I found here. Many have become friends. My admiration and awe at the courage, knowledge and strength of the special women here never seems to stop expanding. You all amaze me. You touch my Soul. And I carry thoughts of you all, along with prayers for each and EVERY ONE OF US (those who are caught on this roller coaster and those who are dubbed long time *survivors*) with each day. Safer to be here in remission, but never home free. Yet fully intending to stick to the 50 year plan. I know others who are *living with mets* and work every day to remain *stable* (yes, Flori). It can be done. And they, and we all, can live with joy and serenity midst it all, if we really really work at it. Oh boy -- it is a full time job! Not easy. But doable. And so worth examining every unimaginable avenue to achieve it. Just stay open. Live with an open heart and an open mind. That's one of my favorite mantras... If one person can do it -- so can YOU! No one appreciates Life more than a cancer survivor. And from the day of diagnosis, we are each on the Survivors List...

With loving, healing energy to you all, as always,
Andi